Stuck in my 20 Something’s. SZA could not have said it better herself. I’m twenty-four and stuck. Though the more twenty-something year olds I encounter, especially mid to late twenties, I start to realize that we are all in some way stuck. I try to tell myself, it’s part of your journey. It makes me feel better when I see other people haven’t figured things out yet either. I know, what a bitch, finding comfort in other peoples life uncertainties. Ah, well. What can I say? Nothing. I don’t really care to explain myself. I swear though, in my younger twenties I thought I had everything figured out. I knew what God had put in my path, I knew what my mission was. I was blossoming into a beautiful young lady, exercising daily, writing in my prayer journal, finding my own inner peace, had a perfect credit score. I had just just moved to Atlanta with my “very best friend”. *Mary Catherine Gallagher voice* I tell you, I thought it was smooth sailing for eternity. Fuck, was I wrong!
Sitting here at the On Tap bar drinking a sour beer two hours before I have to go into work… I honesty don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. I had the idea to write on a public diary while sitting here. Smart? I don’t know. But I do feel 25% better. Why am I writing this? I’ve always been a person who has to write things down. Blame it on my type A personality, I guess. Lol…. I didn’t laugh out loud for real, but I did smirk to myself… 💁🏽 anyways, I’m taking a month of solidarity to myself. And though I’ve brought this loneliness onto myself, I feel more lonely than ever. I feel as though God keeps handing me L’s to test me. It’s only day 3… He knows I’m a needy, crybaby bitch. I run to the person I’m most intimate with when I need some kind, any kind of emotional support (okay, fine, BABYING)! And I don’t think it’s necessarily the healthiest thing for me or the other person. I feel like I’m losing my relationship with God which is why I have chosen to isolate myself from the people in my life. I just want to feel some happiness again. I want to feel secure. I want to know that what I’m doing is the right thing. I want a raw relationship with Him again. Which is why I think He’s testing me. See, I say that I losing a relationship with Him, not because He’s ignoring me, or not answering my prayers, or not communicating with me…. It’s because of me. I’m ignoring Him. I still hear Him daily. He never leaves me, I know. But I just feel so ashamed of myself that I think if I ignore Him, He won’t know what’s going on. What a joke I am. I talk to Him when it’s most convenient for me. Smh. He’s seeing if I’ll run to someone other than Him during these times. You see He’s the only one that truly knows me. Knows I quit things when it gets too hard… But not this time. I need this. For my sanity. For my soul. For my salvation. Hopefully by the end of my solidarity I’ll have some answers. I’ll have my spiritual life back on track. I don’t like the person I’ve become in the past couple of years since I’ve moved back to BIRMINGHAM *rolls eyes* Hopefully I can figure things out.
-Not So Still