51. It’s easier not to remember

Today, wasn’t horrible. I laid here all day again just staring at the shattered picture and sticky notes that remain on the wall. I’m stuck between keeping the pictures and the sticky notes, and just throwing them away. They mean nothing.

Work was oddly calm, just calm enough for me to be consumed by my mind, thought busy enough I couldn’t eat my self alive. It being shot day, (1 month back on T next week) it always gives me something to look forward to. Someone to talk to, and not immediately coming home to an empty house. Tomorrow is my last night here, as Thursday I’m moving the things that are left. I’m definitely not ready to embark living with my mother again. I have someone interested in buying the car, which means I may be able to leave state sooner then I expected. I’ve decided I’m not going to let to many know I’m leaving. Slowly I’ll just get rid of the thins to big to travel with, and acquire the things I need to leave state. I have to get permission from the judge and probation, though I don’t think it will be much of an issue, as its an option to better my self.

Impulsively, my first thought was to head to A.z, I only know one person there, and I have known her since before puberty. How ever I have found the general area I would move, is occupied by a few people from here, that know my ex. The point of leaving is so nothing can remind me of her.

I have now connected all of my personal, favorite spots to think, to her. I took her to them while we were dating, and told her all the reasons I loved these spots, there all locations I brought her to and gave her a piece of me, access to the deepest parts of me. After leaving James tonight I stopped by “our spot”. I sat there and looked at the night lights of the city, I swear your perfume lingered in the air, I heard your giggle in the wind and the waves crashing on the shore. I closed my eyes to reminisce the way your lips felt, the taste of your kiss, that night, and it was nothing like anything I have ever experienced. I knew then. The way you giggled, turned around, smiling at me held my face and kissed me, as if it was your first as well as your last. Your buried into my soul when you looked into my eyes that night, and that’s when I became scared, I knew I’d always love you more then anyone else, but how could I be sure you’d feel the same….forever.


Currently it’s 12:07 am, in four an a half hours, I have to be at work, to unload the freight none the less. Then I work Long Horn as well. Have to love doubles.

(Janine – we could be better)

Just think I just threw out everything that I own
It’s easier to not remember
But here I am, still got your pictures on my phone
On my phone, lookin’ at them when I’m all alone
You’re doin’ good and I’m doin’ fine
Now I’m doin’ great but you’re on my mind
We’re better this way, maybe we’re better this way
Tell me why is that so hard to say?

You’re not mine and I’m not yours
But I wish you were, and I wish I was
Turn back the clock, baby I’ll be so much better
We could be better
You’re not mine and I’m not yours
But I wish you were, and I wish I was
Turn back the clock, baby I’ll be so much better
We could be better

I wish you were, and I wish I was
I wish we could, and I think we should
I remember lookin’ at you, wanting you to touch
But not too much, I don’t wanna go too far and it can’t stop, yeah
You put your arm across my back, left to right shoulder
And you kissed me, do you remember?
Do you remember my heart beatin’ through my chest for you
For the first time?
Do you remember feelin’ my heart beat through my chest for you?”


I’m a broken man scared of love, head over in heels in love with a woman, I broke, whom is loving someone else. I cant make this feeling go away. Everyday I get up, and I try to do better, even though she’s missing…though it’s hard. I’m simply pathetic.




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