Days 3,4,5,6,7 – 50 Shades of bullshit

Day 2 – The Enigma’s Hideout

I want to begin by saying, out of all my friends, John is perhaps the most refreshing one of them all. I’ve learned that the vast majority of people today hide behind carefully crafted masks in order to please others (a trait I am becoming all too good at and I am working to unlearn in myself) with this friend, Wohn, you know whatever this guy is thinking he is clearly expressing directly at you, no masks, no personas, he doesn’t know how to hold back and that’s what makes me love him. I have even grown to admire him. So sadly society may label him as autistic, for his differences. I appreciate his unique wisdom and come to look forward to his commentary on his unfiltered perception of the world.

Sadly I am still not able to understand why this great man does some of the things or thinks some of the things he does. I have spent many evenings pondering, many interrupted meditations trying to understand his thought process. Sometimes when everyone else’s logic says otherwise, this man, for better or worse will disagree. That said he does make a good ham and cheese sandwich and a good cup of tea, qualities some people are yet to master. He expels soo much energy into every process, he’s almost turned each of them into art forms. He could maliciously recite every event that happened last week and yet he cannot remember a single thing in his childhood. I hope one day I can be as comfortable in my own skin as you are my friend. 

For John every action is premeditated and carefully thought through. One does not simply just do something at John’s home. It has to be carefully considered first like a well oiled machine. Unfortunately when something interrupts these fragile gears, it often devolves quickly into a disaster. So John has gingerly crafted a set of very fine tuned protocols for moving between buildings in order to prevent insects from invading his living quarters or gaming hideout, such as moths (John’s personal nemesis). These pests are a frequent invader for ol John. So what we have to do is, wait patiently at each building’s exit, scope the outer area for potential enemies, then John will give the all clear. We then have to dash to the second building, like something out of Metal Gear Solid. Move out the way James Bond, here comes the 001, John. 

This evening a moth unfortunately made it through the security net. The moth waited patiently behind the sliding patio doors for his chance. He waited for his moment, like a cat stalks an unsuspecting mouse. The moth threw itself through the door as I threw  it open, of course at this moment John was unaware as I was first through the door. I waited for the moth to stop fluttering around and stood in front of it, (leaving the door open and unguarded) hoping John wouldn’t notice the moth I was hiding. I just want to go home at this stage, it’s gone midnight it’s well past my beddie time. I knew if he had spotted the poor unsuspecting moth. John has a degree of respect for nature, so he wouldn’t ever harm a creature needlessly so I’d be waiting for him all night to try and usher it out the building as he has once happened before. 

John came crashing through the door quicker than the Pope would for a promise of a dolla.. “Why didn’t you close the door! ” he continued to ramble.. ” You should have waited for me!” realizing complaining wouldn’t help with the door still wide open. Using all his bodyweight, now John’s a quite the slender character so it would require all his bodyweight, with what weight he did have though he was able to slam the sliding door and began scoping around the room for moths.  “Aha!” he proclaimed proudly to himself”… “It looks like we made it”. He then turns to lock the door when this beautiful creature flutters around in front of me. “Oh no! one got in!” he shouted whilst he breathed a deep sigh of disappointment,  the creature now landing on the table. Wohn handed me a glass and with 1 quick swoop I trapped it in the glass and carried it safely outside. I wasn’t wasting time, I wanted to go to bed. 

Day 3 – The birthday

Good morning, I apologize for not writing sooner. I was busy trying to pretend to enjoy my birthday on my birthday. That event where we destroy perfectly good functioning trees to create birthday cards and generate more litter to write the same bullshit we wrote last year and add 1 to the age then deliver it to our ‘friends’. I made the same mistake I made last year, this year, I forgot to turn off wall posts on facebook on my birthday, this meant I had to do the usual rounds for everyone else’s benefit and “like” everyone’s post so they don’t get offended that I didn’t “like” their posts. I attended a meal in my honour in the evening, I’m so glad I went it as it gave people a chance to spoil Game of Thrones for me whilst eating something resembling food served with plastic in it. So yes, another amazing birthday. Thanks guys :). In all seriousness though I actually do appreciate the robotic efforts of my friends, robotic forced effort is better than no efforts I guess? 

You really want to know what my idea of a good birthday would be? Drinking ‘herbal’ tea in the sun, playing some acoustic guitar maybe or reading an epic fantasy novel. Could all my friends gather the money together they’re willing to waste on cards and buy me a real slice of nature please? alas, the world is not ready for my honesty and that’s why we have British Politicians. Admittedly it’s easy to throw stones without a glass house of my own. So I will backup my comments someday and start my own party.  

All joking aside, my apparent dermatitis has been dormant the whole of my birthday day, cheers lad. Let’s get the whole food diary in then. Some crunchy oat shit from Sainsburys, an IKEA veggie breakfast, IKEA’s finest chocolate cheesecake, the wishing well’s best chicken in the bun. 

Day 4 –  The day after the birthday

Nothing eventful happened. Skin was being dickish again immediately after I woke up. I bathed my good self in the coal tar extract, literally sat with it on my face and scalp whilst perching over the bath tub and pondering some quantum mechanics. I benched some weights, I masterbated, meditated and played some acoustic guitar in no particular order. I regret not getting high but I’ve learned in order to appreciate an experience it shouldn’t be repeated too often, like a fine piece of music. You play it too much and before you know it, it’s overplayed. I drank some hot chocolate made with full fat cow’s milk and marshmallows, you know, obviously it’s the only way to make a fine chocolatey beverage. You wait, they will deprive me of that soon. They already took away my caffeine tea when they thought I had heart problems which apparently I don’t have anymore. I’m left with this fake stuff that nearly looks like tea, known as decafe.

I considered going to the barbers to get this old mob chopped as they say, but with my scalp condition they will think christmas has come early, pieces of my scalp will be all over the floor. Baby jesus will be carted in. It’s a sorry state of affairs i’m afraid.

I finished up the evening with some of Iceland’s Seafood paella. It wasn’t that bad actually. I wouldn’t offer it up if you have a hot date coming over though. You’l need to bring out Walter Whittard’s world renowned cocoa powder for such an evening, he’s traveled the seven seas to bring you the ultimate chocolate experience. 

I made some sweet and sour chicken to take to work tomorrow. I say I made it but Uncle Ben did really, cheers Ben. I cut the chicken breast up though. I’m doing my bit. Ben you look so happy on the jar with that warm and welcoming smile, will your sweet and sour make me this happy. Let’s hope so!

Day 5 – The 5th

It’s becoming apparent that 1 treatment has been highly effective, the old coal tar. However that doesn’t really solve the problem. Clearly something is having an effect on me to produce the symptoms in the first place. Maybe it’s people that are the problem, people are bastards aren’t they. I am too if you knew me. I ate some oaty shit from sainsbury’s again with cows milk (semi skimmed) and I drank some alpro chocolate milk. I stared at the marketing bollocks on the carton in order to make myself feel better about consuming the beverage. I wanted to test the “lactose” variable on my dermatitis but now I am just doing things and consuming things purely because I want to. Have you ever ate cereal dry? Bloody hell, a man needs some quality of life here. 

I’m going to bed, I’ll play catch up when I wake up. Night folks 


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