A million and one things have been racing through my mind the past 24 hours. Over and over again I have attempted to write, get it out, how every time my hands hit the key board my mind drew a blank, everything just stopped for a moment. Life changes today. My sun down I’ll be completely moved, and now, what remained of hers is gone. I didn’t expect to be here when she came to pick up her things, how ever, Jay and I couldn’t make an agreement on what was appropriate for our last big bang before she leaves. Anywho, When she arrived to get her things I forgot to place the vacuum outside, so I did so as she was walking but up to the porch. All she said was the most, annoyed, attitude, hateful, “thanks” I have ever heard. I couldn’t say anything, I just shut the door ran back up stairs and sat next to jay, for 15 minutes, I said nothing. “she’s gone” just kept repeating its self in my head. I finally got dressed, stopped at my sisters, then went to the casino. I barely enjoyed it, we had a blast don’t get me wrong..but how can I enjoy anything. I ruined my entire future, the one person I love more then anything, hates me. How am I suppose to know this and not eat my self alive, how am I suppose to get up everyday try and be a better person, when the only person who deserves me at my best, will never be mine. Getting over things when it’s something someone has done to you is..fairly simple, but how do you get over something you did, knowing the loss it could cause..how do you forgive yourself?
I don’t want to forgive my self, She is everything to me, everything I have ever dreamt of any more, gave me a feeling…theres no words to describe. There’s nothing like it in the world. Now it’s gone. What hurts the most, is she has someone else already, so here thoughts will never trail to me, and if they do its just hatred. He’ll make it better. I lay here, wishing I could give my soul for a re do. I wouldn’t do what I did, I’d be open, I’d tell her what was going on, I wouldn’t of turned to drinking. Off to nap land I go. My brother gets off work late so It’s going to be a late move. I work two jobs tomorrow, so with the lack of sleep I’ll be getting tonight. It’s my attempt in not being a complete zombie working tomorrow.