Selah.

“I feel it running through my veins
Guess I’m already bleeding for it
All four chambers got a different kinda beat for it
Try to hold my breath but it’s filling up my lungs
Try keep it quiet but it’s banging like a drum
And they’re shaking up my bones
And tearing up my ligaments
I’m still tryna act like, nah it ain’t that serious
But I’m deep in my womb and I’m kicking on the diaphram
Try not seizure, blades like Caesar
Funny when I feel the choke of the umbilical
My soul gets deeper, songs real spiritual
Cross around my neck and a crystal in my pocket
My love is the bomb and forgiveness is the rocket
Which army gon’ stop it, my faith rises up
Even while pulse droppin’
I roll it on my heart so it’s never forgotten
You’re only begotten
The sun and the moon and the stars, all been watching
Selah,
they’ve been watching
Selah…”
 
Most times my best form of communication is through music. This song always comes at the right time. It’s the opening to Emeli Sande’s album Long Live the Angels, and from then on it’s a beautiful and mesmerizing open journal. When I first heard that opening song I burst into tears because it hit me so hard. At the time I did not know what selah stood for, but the lyrics spoke loud and clear. She kept repeating “selah” at the end of the song, and to me it sounded like a cry to God. When I researched it I found that it was used seventy odd times in the poetic book of Psalms. People are still unsure of the meaning, but most people agree to think it’s a time to pause and reflect on, or wait for a visual demonstration on what has just been said/sung. This song reminds to take a moment to pause my life. Reminds me that even when it feels that life is choking me with its umbicial cord, that the only thing God will only allow from it is for my soul to grow deeper. For my words, the way I think, the way I make decisions, the way I praise will be more spiritual, more connected to Him. Reminds me to wake up with His faith rolled up, all up in my sleeves so I can face my challenges with love as my bomb, and forgiveness as my rocket! Because to be honest, most times I want to face my challenges with a fist and my sharp tongue. And most times I don’t want to forgive. All I want to do is spit at your feet and curse you.  But what’s the point in holding that ugly energy inside of you? The only person it truly affects is yourself anyway. Being the bigger person sucks, but is needed. Or else the hate would just be “a ciiircle, not like square. Square has stop”. >>lmao I hope you guys are getting my movie references<< But, seriously, SOMEONE has to me the bigger person. *rolls eyes*
 
So it’s day five or six of my solidarity. It’s not going quite as I planned. I can’t just pull a Left Eye, take a private jet to Honduras for a spiritual retreat, ya know. I mean, one day I will, but right now… It’s just not in the budget. 😂
I’ve had to check up on a friend because my brother texted me worried about her. I’ve had people ask me questions that I can’t necessarily ignore. People contacted me worried, which I definitely ignored. I went over to my sisters house to wax and do her lashes, where my nieces were. I stayed at my SO’s house last night cause there was a tornado warning and he was closer to my work… I mean… I’m really just laughing cause of how this “moment of solitude” is playing out. But I didn’t mind being at my sisters, doing what I love always brings me peace. As well as my crazy ass nieces running wild, speaking jibber jabber. I didn’t mind seeing my SO either. He always makes me feel better. Even just being in his presence. He doesn’t pressure me to talk just leaves me be until I’m ready, which I appreciate. Serenades me with sweet songs, does this stupid, goofy walk that always makes me laugh. He’s a good one. More than good. Anyways, been having trouble at work and before I went in today he said something that meant the world to me, that reminded me to take control of my day. “Dont let them take the God out of you.” He’s right. No matter the curve balls, as my sister called them, that life throws, I can’t let them bruise me up. Nobody or nothing can ever take your light. I must remember I can do all things through God who strengthens me. 
 
I’ll continue to take things day by day. I’ll continue to dig deep during my….. “solidarity”. I’ll continue to shine my light. I’m excited to see what God places before me. I’m getting REAAAADY for God to blow my mind!!!
 
-Better

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