Oh my gosh dare I say that my mum seems to have made a turn around and now everything is a lot better?! I did have a talk with her and the next day she was suddenly much better…she has been having more tests and actually they have all been clear so far. It is upsetting how she treats me & dad simply because she is suffering physically…but maybe it kinda makes sense. It’s just not good as me & dad are not well either. Anyway I’m just glad things are ok because they were quite bad, I was reaching a point where I was considering self harm again.
Harry has been taking up all my time! I made myself take him to the soft play today; he didn’t go last week and not this week till today of course. Harry actually had a really good time, he seemed to really enjoy himself. He was very happy. I love it when Harry enjoys himself. I took him down one of the bigger slides about seven times in a row in the soft play so I was exhausted afterwards, hmm. I felt a bit old. I laughed an awful lot myself because Harry can be so funny. Even my mum was laughing too.
Also one of the staff who has seen Harry and me there a lot has asked me to go with her to an arts & crafts mum & baby/toddler group on Mondays. It won’t be this Monday but the next one. This lady wants her son, who recently turned two, to have more friends, aww. Harry doesn’t have any friends really…Aneurin was his friend but now his mother and I don’t speak. The moral of the stories of all the relationships in my life is I shouldn’t be friends with people that have as many problems as I do. It can work well at first but can go down a dark path very quickly. Thing is ‘normal’ people don’t want to be friends with me usually and it’s hard to hear about their more standard life…not that everyone’s lives are perfect but I’m always asked what job I have, do I live with my partner, are you & Harry’s dad divorced then…people are expecting more…standard answers. I won’t say normal as I don’t believe normal exists. I just find it hard when people go on about their jobs and amazing husbands and I have never had any of that. I never even got to finish school because I was sectioned for over two years in a private hospital and diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.
But I guess I have to try. My life has taken a turn towards more…standard I guess. There’s a chance of having my own life with my son now. I have to give it a go. Need to find my way back into the world outside…my destiny is not to be an inpatient like I thought I would be doomed to be for the rest of my life. I appreciate this lady asking me to join her at another toddler group. It’s good for Harry certainly. Harry still goes to the Pray & Play group on Wednesday and he is starting to be quite attached to one of the group leaders’ youngest son who comes along too to play at the group since he’s only six. Obviously he knows what he wants to do to play and is happily using his imagination which makes all the younger ones laugh. Harry was really happy there playing with this other boy on Wednesday!
I need to try be more sociable for Harry’s sake more than anything. Recently I’ve not really been talking to anyone…not because I don’t like them or to be mean or whatever I just can’t cope with talking with anyone at the moment. If they try talk to me I will respond and I seem completely normal in my responses…sometimes it takes me a day or more to respond…I’ve just lost my faith in being able to get along with anyone but I know I just…have to try! BPD is just a horrible illness I just wish I didn’t have this diagnosis. When you google it its just…bad.