It’s been a while since I’ve written anything and today I really felt like I needed to, so here I go.
Currently school started this week and everything has been going especially smoothly. Which is awesome compared to what it could be.I’m almost graduated, which is awesome, but I still have some personal life choices to make.
Such as, if I should still allow the person who changed my life for the worse to be part of my life again.I don’t even feel anything towards him for everything he has done.One of my close friends who went through something similar has only told me that feeling nothing only means that the anger is temporarily gone.To be honest, I don’t have the energy to be angry.
But does not feeling anything towards the person who hurt me mean I wasn’t really abused? I don’t know to be honest. I’ve kept it a secret for about 7 or so years, and still do. When I talk to him, I don’t think of him as bad. He sometimes has a very messed up philosophy that he sometimes displays, but I believe that’s just from immaturity, he really hasn’t changed by much.
I don’t feel angry, sad, or like I deserve pity. But I don’t feel anything at all, so how can I tell if it’s affecting me or not?If maybe it doesn’t bother me as much as I once thought?Maybe I was just making the situation worse on my own.
I’m not sure if I should still have the people who support him in my life either. It would seem odd if I refused to speak to him ever, and maybe they would be angry or confused as to why I won’t speak to him. It’s very simple, the answer. But they don’t know the reason why I want to make sure to cut ties with him.
I’ve been doing very good about not thinking about my past or my situation my emotions are in, like I’m supposed to. Today I felt angry again though. It was as if someone lit a match and suddenly I was back at it again, angry.A part of me doesn’t even want to care, but I know I shouldn’t be angry. I shouldn’t let it control me either, but it’s still hard. To be honest, sometimes it feels like I am more messed up than even people in prison, even-though they have done worse than I have.
Maybe it’s because I’m pretty much crazy. So I haven’t been able to hold down relationships of any sorts with anyone unless they have some horrible past and are just as messed up as I am.I couldn’t even hold down a relationship with a bf of two years. Everything was going perfectly fine talking to him ever-day for two years, and seeing him, but then something happened that changed it all.
I’m grateful I have friends who care about me, a few of them I can even consider my family.But I’m also afraid to lose the biological family I have, the one that I was raised with, all because of him.Not like I have to give them up, I don’t.At the same time I’m not sure if I would be respecting myself enough. It would be horrible to put me in a situation where I don’t feel comfortable. And I don’t know if I will be comfortable around him or my family forever, or at least until I die or they die. No one plans on dying, so I just have to assume it’s going to be a long time that I need to hold myself together before I don’t have to worry about any of my family finding out about anything.
I don’t care is the truth, I really don’t.I don’t want to care, I don’t think I need to, I don’t think it’s my job and I just am tired of really caring where my life goes at this point in the category of personal relationships and family and if he ever becomes part of my permanent life.
Maybe it’s bad if I don’t care?Disrespectful to myself? I couldn’t really care what someone does to me at this point, or my body, as long as my emotional state stays stable.Either way, even if someone hurt me again, maybe someone outside of the family or someone I don’t even know, a part of me is too numb to care what tomorrow brings or care about being careful. I’m way too tired.
Wish I could vent longer.