Be grateful for the calm, you never know when the storm is coming…

I’m in a storm I can’t get out of.

This summer has really did me in.

My brother dying. I figured out something… something that really upsets me.
I was just getting to know him. He was finally coming to family events. He was late for my wedding and wedding photos which bugs me so much, but at least he made it. I have ONE photo there. One that was badly taken with the cameras on the table.
See… they lived with their granny (their dad’s mom). Apparently that’s what they wanted to do.
So I didn’t grow up with my big brothers. They visited. I remember bits and pieces. Honestly though as a small child I thought he was my uncle.
That hurts me. We were finally talking on the phone. We had a lot of the same medical problems.
He was suicidal. Always sad. Apparently into drugs too. His wife gave away all his stuff the next day. Didn’t offer my mother ANYTHING. That truly hurts me for my mother. I would have liked at least a shirt too. Something!
So he died from too much medication. He might as well of taken his own life. It isn’t fair.

Then my heart monitor. It hurts.. It’s trying to protrude through. Yay.. not.
Apparently all the stress I’m going through is literally killing me. So I’m told by doctors. I’m sorry? I can’t help, but stress. It’s me. The hell I am in right now. I have a cut on my foot that won’t heal that I have had for weeks. It started as a mosquito bite. I itched it. Now it looks like an open wound. My doctor is sending me to a wound healing clinic. Never even heard of it! It hurts though. I hate waking in the morning to the pain. Oh and my back is in so much pain and it’s so stiff. I’ve tried getting it massaged out. Not working. Even hurts to get adjusted now by my chiropractor.

MY daughter. Oh.. my.. god..
I seriously have no control anymore. I’m told she has no empathy. You know what? FUCK ODD/ADHD!! I want my sweet daughter back. I haven’t seen her in many years.
My husband is even starting to lose it and he’s the calm one. We can’t have two completely depressed people.
Our therapist tells me I’m clinically depressed. (duh! I knew that!) She said it’s the most dangerous..(Duh! Knew that too). I let her read my poem. She said it was perfect on explaining anxiety/depression/panic attacks/suicide.
Why is my daughter so self entitled? She doesn’t love unconditionally. Seriously? Try to get her to do something she expects something in return. I don’t know why she thinks she is an adult. YES we stand our ground. That’s why she has had multiple ODD fits.
Oh and our insurance is fighting us on 11 grand because they felt her stay at the hospital wasn’t an emergency. That she wasn’t a harm to others or herself?
UM… so are you telling me her doing gross things to her 5 year old sister isn’t harming another? Her scratching me up and biting isn’t harming her mother to keep her from jumping out the car door on the highway? OH and her punching herself in the face and talking about how she wished she wasn’t born and rather be dead? Yeah?  OH and tries to run away. A lot.
When I picked her up the night she did that horrible stuff at her dads. When I put her to bed and talk to her.. in tears.. upset.. bugging for her to tell me if someone did something to her. (YES WE HAD CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICE INVOLVED ALREADY)
Nobody got her. It was the fucking internet and it’s porn. It was all over her tablet. Her brother told me she would watch it at her grandparents. (ex husband’s parents). If something would have happened honestly she would have thrown them under the bus in a heart beat. She literally loves being the victim. Their is only one person I think she wouldn’t and even then being there and investigated I feel like she would have finally talked. She did say to the therapist about this person when we were talking about rules, “”Person” said at his house the only rule is that there are no rules”. So yeah… There’s that. They have called and I completely blew up on them. Wish I had a time machine back when I was getting divorced. Never agreed to them watching her. When the divorce become ugly I had no choice because my ex got CPS involved and my mother’s house was too small and if you don’t have a room they can’t stay the night. Also my mom and grandmother are horders. Not like on TV, but with that small space it’s still too much for all of us. Plus my twin brother.
It was an ugly fight. When I moved in with my now husband I did get my girl back. She was just turning 4. Not like I never saw her. The aunt always secretly brought her to stay with me. So I got her back in no time.
My son was biweekly till I bribed my ex husband with tax money. Even had him sign a new custody agreement years later. He said he’d sign as long as he didn’t have to pay anything. FINE. I basically bought my son. Honestly.. he never cared about my daughter. He used to deny her even though we tried for her. The stuff his wife tells me now.. even the grandma did. FUCK THEM. Of course my daughter has it rough. She lived with people who never said no, then came back to me where there are rules. Bad part really didn’t start till she was in school. Even now.. school year is ROUGH. She started when school started a couple weeks ago.
My therapist is convinced she can help her. She went into it because of kids like her. She had one too. She understands how it can be really hard on the parents.
She has to see her AFTER the one is done with her that the hospital referred us too. They see kids who get out of the hospital. Nobody who talks to her thinks someone did anything to her.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
My heart is so broken. Literally and physically.

I did EVERYTHING for my girl. EVERYTHING!! All these doctors.. their meds.. everything. Never in my life did I realize that would be a problem. I protected her from it. I had it done to me…

I must have done something super awful in a past life to be basically fighting for my life over stress.

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