This meme sums up how I live my life. When I was a kid, my mom taught me to confront people head on if I had a conflict. “Deal with it right away, work out your issues, and move forward.” My mother is a smart woman. But what she failed to tell me is that people do not respond to confrontation, or (as I like to refer to it) HONESTY the way you hope.
As a result of her “be direct” way of teaching, I have horrible anxiety. I’ve suffered years of struggling with addressing friends, co-workers, intimate relationships, and even family members. Not everyone can handle someone being direct with them, and it gets harder in this generation where we communicate through text and other forms of social media, rather than a plain old fashioned conversation face to face. That being said, it doesn’t mean I fail at all my relationships. (I feel I have to clarify already) I am happily married to an amazing man named Henry. I have friends, but only a very select amount of close ones, and I get along with most of my family.
I am noticing a negative change in myself that I am not liking. It is stemming from some recent events that have occurred, and some things that have come into light. One of them is more in relation to the whole honesty and lies theme of this entry, so I will touch more on that.
I have a friend named Genevieve. We’ve been friends for almost 9 years. I am a God Parent to one of her children, and she was a bridesmaid at my wedding. I considered her my family; like a sister. Genevieve is an interesting person. She doesn’t get out much because she is a stay at home mother (that is her excuse, not mine). She is very creative, talented, hard working, and truly an amazing mother. Those are just a few of her many good qualities. BUT, Genevieve has another side to her. A spiteful, passive aggressive, little white lies side. This is a side of her that I had never met (until last year), but had heard about it from random people here and there. She really enjoys her gossip, and unfortunately always seems to be in the middle of something dramatic. When you are very close to someone, why wouldn’t you believe the things they share? What reason would they have to lie to you? She has told me things over the years, and only a handful of times, I can honestly say I had a hard time keeping up with her story. I questioned things for clarification, but she always had some response to it.
I discovered a few months back, that Genevieve has been lying about things regarding me for years. And I’m talking at least over 3 years that I know of. She has been telling mutual friends (and possibly several other acquaintances) things about me that did not occur. The situations for which these things supposedly happened are real, but the actions and words exchanged during them are not.
Discovering this has caused me extreme emotional pain, since this woman has been such a huge part of mine and Henry’s lives, and vice versa. The way she has completely disgraced my personal character has me dumbfounded. She has been saying all these things about myself (and some about Henry) for so long, that I have a hard time imagining that this person is truly our friend. Yet, she still will text to say, “I miss you” or “you should come by for a visit” or “the kids have been asking where you are”. How can she truly say these things to me?
The worst thing, is that she hates confrontation and she is so good at lying, that she would NEVER be honest with me. In order for me to get over this (I’ve always been this way), I need the closure to carry on with my life. I need closure, because otherwise I dwell. And another thing about me, is that dwell on things that bother me, and I never forget. It literally consumes me, and I know I will be denied the answers to what I need to know.
I’ve been told that I am too aggressive when I confront people. I’ve asked for clarification as to what is aggressive about it. I come on too strongly? I’m intense? The answer that stands out the most, is the fact that I ACTUALLY go up to people FACE to a FACE and I am direct about my issues.
Holy f*** I feel as though I am dealing with a bunch of babies, and honestly cowards.
Does anyone out there feel my frustration?
Well, if anyone is actually reading this, thanks for clicking on my journal.
Until next time,