Monday, September 4th; 2017
This shit has genuinely consumed me. I’m in the thick of a mood swing, on the verge of a nasty meltdown. Maybe this impending, suffocating feeling will die down by morning? I’m just getting so exhausted dealing with this on the constant: the isolation, crippling self-hatred and doubt, horrific nightmares and bouts of insomnia, addiction, the constant discomfort and fear, the overwhelming and always present rage and fury; all of it. I’m losing it and it’s getting so hard to carry this weight around. I need to get out of here. I’m suffocating.
I’m so weak anymore, pathetic and crumbling into myself. I’m in constant emotional and physical pain. Everyone has abandoned me and now I’m completely alone. I’ve been used and terrorized and forgotten about my entire life; and now it’s come full circle and I’m fucking tired of it. Maybe it’s the late night exhaustion and borderline tendencies: but I think I’m finally done. I genuinely can’t take anymore of this suffering. I’m so tired of hating every aspect of everything I do. I’m tired of being hateful and bitter and hurt. I’m not letting anyone ruin me anymore; not even myself.
I think I’m going to write my suicide note come morning.