Monday September 4th

Today is my last day of summer. I have a date for the US Open. I am looking forward to seeing it. I am having a lot of anxiety this morning. I set my alarm for 7 and made myself get up. I have got to get my sleep schedule lined out for school. I just want someone to tell me what to do. I know that sounds crazy, but I don’t know what the “right” choice is for me, and it brings me anxiety and stress that is overwhelming. Should I stay in NY, should I move back, am I crazy for doing this in the first place- probably. I shouldn’t have drank 3 drinks Saturday night. That literally messed up my day yesterday because I did nothing. I wasn’t really hungover, but I did feel bad enough that I didn’t go for my walk, I ate McDonald’s, and made other poor choices. I have to be more responsible. Fuck. I’ve been saying that for the last 20 fucking years. I am a goddam mess. 

Later, that same day… 

It’s now 4:32. I am getting ready to head out for my date. It will be a long one. Who the fuck knows how long the US Open session lasts. It has been my experience that dates that are about “watching” something don’t go as well. I don’t even care. 

My mind is so busy gong back and forth about what I should do with my life. I don’t know if I need to go back to Kentucky so I can be with Noah. I just don’t know. I start work here tomorrow. I feel so overwhelmed with all my thoughts at times, I feel like just shutting down. 

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