New beginning

Hello everyone, so I just found this site after I realised that OD was gone, I wasn’t really a very active user but I always liked, I find some sort of comfort in writing stuff that I have in my mind, so for all of you that are reading this let me apologize in advance if my grammar sucks cuz my english isn’t perfect. 

Anyway, where to begin… I suppossed I’ve got to start with the fact I recently became single about 2 months ago I ended my most or I could say my only seriours and long time relationship (5 and a half years to be exactly) why did I do this? simple but complicated at the same time, I’m not in love with him anymore, I think I stopped loving him about a year or 2 year ago, but we weren’t bad together so I kept telling to myself to suck it up, I wasn’t unhappy so why not continue? But then I kind of was like looking to meet new people, so I don’t know if that’s really cheating but I supposed I was getting there. It was really hard to do it, I kept thinking and thinking all over again about all the posibilities, about if I could try to make it work or I don’t know, talk to a bunch of friends about it, and they all told me that I should end it, before things get worse, (I’m the kind of person that listens to advices but likes to make his own choices, so when I decided to ended it was cause I knew I couldn’t continue with him, I just wasn’t happy, Idk wasn’t in love) it was my decision, and I have this thing that when I make a decision no matter if it’s bad or good I just go with it, I felt bad and relieved at the same time, he didn’t took thins in a good way, was really sad, a lot of drama, and although I don’t love him anymore it hurt me seeing him like that, he keeps calling me, texting me, we see each other every other day, I know it’s not right, but i feel it helps him, and also helps me, cause i’m going through a lot righ know (i just finished college and I’m looking for a job) & things r so difficult right now, sometimes i can’t help thinking that maybe I should go back with him so he can help me, and I wn’t be alone anymore BUT I know it’s not the right thing to do. So I have to suck it up, now I’ve been trying to start dating but I forgot how hard it is, I HATE IT! I hate dating so much, having expectations, trying hard to look your best, just so the other person cand find you attractive, I’m using grindr, I know that it’s mostly to have sex, but surprisingly I’m not relly looking for that right now, so I met this guy who I was talking to really nice, and he was pushing for date, ( i don’t like to go on date that fast to be honest, mainly because I like to get to know the person first like talk a lot and then think about going out) so I broke my rules, and i went out with him and it was OK, he look older in person, and not really my type, but like I didn’t really care about that cause I enjoy talking to him, but that night was full of drama, my ex found out, he kept calling like 20 times, during the whole movie, and I was so nervous and anxious that I literally wanted to left the movies, and whatever now this dude don’t text me anymore, which I think it’s like a not so subtle way of saying (i didn’t find you attractive) but I really don’t care about him, so days went by, and I started texting with another guy younger than me, but REALLY CUTE, and it was practically the same all over againg, good conversation at first and then after a couple days he asked me out, gosh I hate when people do that so fast, like I was like dude i kinda like you so i want to wait and get to know you more first, he was like OK it makes sense, but then we talk some more and again I BROKE MY RULE, and i decided to go out with him, i was so nervous and I didn’t wanted to do it I was afraid because he kept saying that he found me really handsome and attractive, and hot and interesting, but I really don’t feel like I’m all that :S I know i’m not, I mean I know I’m not horrible but I’m not handsome or hot, like NOT, I can look nice, but I  have to make an effort you know like always try to look good, dress well, be clean, smell good, good hair, try to stay fit / thin. but for me someone handsome doesn’t have to try that hard, so the fact that he kept calling me that made me afraid that he’ll see me and say oh ok, he’s not like that, I don’t know I’m like the most insecure person ever, but I don’t look  that way, I try to always look confident but deep down i’m not. And I even started sending him pictures with like no filters so he could really see me for what I am, and he kept saying that and I almost believed it, and he’s so cute, like he doesn’t have to try that hard, just  tshirt jeans and some snkers and he looks hot, and I have to spend like 2 hours trying clothes until i find something that i kinda like. So we went out, he looks way youger which made me a little uncomfortable, because i’m 29 and he’s 25, but he looks like 22, i do look younger, like 25-26, but still it was kind awkward, so he saw me and I was really nervous I didn’t actually see his face or read his expression so I could find out if he was glad or disappointed, I knew i was going to like him, like he’s so cute, but that’s not the thing that won me over, it’s the fact that even though he’s really young he’s a gentleman like a real one, I think i have never met someone with such good manners, like he will gave me a seat, let walk first, ask me what i want, I don’t know a lot of details that for me was like the best part about him, gosh I don’t really know if he did that because he’s polite and was raise right or he did it because he likes me, i remember when we go get something for me to eat, we went to this place that he didn’t wanted to go, but still we went there, and talk really nice, then we went to took the bus and went to the movies, since the bus was crowded and only one seat empty he gave me that seat and i was like, oh thank you? like such a gentleman. so at the movies, he got tickets, i pay for the food (which i don’t really eat) and he was teasing me, and i still was nervous but I think he called me something like no wonder you look that young and that handsome, and i was so flattered and embarrassed i felt like I was the young one and he was the older one, i don’t know i’m still smiling and laughing while I’m writing this, so the movie was good, we were seating really close like touching each others forearms and it fel so good, and neither one of us move the arm so I felt it was a good sign (?). so to be honest it ended kinda awkwardly i walked him home, and then i was waiting for a taxi, he was like oh look here comes a cab, and i was like oh ok, he wants me to leave, so i just hug him and took the taxi, he said let me know when you get home. and that was it, i waited to see if was going to text me something like oh i had a really good time or something but he didn’t so I texted him first to let him know i was home. then the next day i text him again and he text me back, but i don’t know like with not so much feeling like he used to, you know? like he wasn’t calling me names like hottie or something, but we were still talking, anyway now he’s gone for 2 months because he has a job in a another city, (which is part of why I didn’t wanted to meet him right before he was leaving because of this, because what if I actually liked him?), so he didn’t text yesterday and then I decided to post a video of me smiling and walking (he always said he loves my smile) so after a few minutes he text me: Wow, you look really handsome! wow… and i was pleased with that LOL I was hoping that little video will work and it did, so i said or thx but it’s just the lighting LOL, how r u? and then  he didn’t text me back, but I remembered that he had an event to work so I assumed he was busy, so he texted me today sunday morning at 8 am! like his text made wake up early, and he was like ” hahaha I was drunk, or I think I still am” and I was like oh OK, now I understand (I was gonna say something like or now I get why you said that but it was going to sound really pathetic) and i tried to keep it light, just asked him how he was, and at what time was his flight… then he said something like: i just got home, my mom is so mad, (i was like yeah, i would be mad too) because i want to see him just so i could say goodbye :C, but now i couldn’t 1. cause he was drunk, and late, and now he had to sleep a little just so he wouldn’t miss his flight, Then he said: “come” you should come and take care of me “Dr. Simi” <— which kinda bothered me because i’m not one of those, but I knew he said it like kidding, but it also made me feel good the fact that even though he’s drunk, he wanted me there 🙁 (I’m such a loser, LOL, I feel like he was treating me a little like a booty call or that person that you know has a crush on you and will do as you say) 🙁 (maybe I’m overthinking things, but IDTS) so I still said, even now that you’re calling me like that, you know I’ll still wish I could go to your place and take care of you, but it’s not possible (What would his parents say) he just send me a kiss and laugh, and i said now let got of your mobile, and go to sleep. So, he did, or I think he did… anyway it’s 10 pm now, and i haven’t heard from him /: but I saw him online on grindr LOL (such a loser) and looking at the distance he made it and now he’s gone for 2 months, I won’t text him today, I’m gonna wait till tomoro and hopefully he’ll text me back in that corny way that he does, and that i love. I know i’m overthinking a lot, and he’s there now, so he’ll probably meet guys go out and fool around, but I kind wanna talk to him about us, just so I can wait for him to come back and pick up things where we left. But idk should I say something? or should i play it cool? and pretend that I don’t mind that he’s gone. /: (which is probably what I’m going to end up doing, because everytime I try to make the first move with a guy, things doesn’t work out, so now, I just play it cool, try to look good, post pics, videos, let’em know I’m available and interested in them, and I let them do the rest), hopefully things wil work out. 

Thank you 4 reading.


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