Missing

Feeling super sad. And it’s no one’s fault really, it’s just me and this horrible BPD condition I have. Everything hurts so much, even the minor things, it all hurts so bad and no one could ever truly understand the depths of my emotions unless they had the same condition. No longer talking to my sister now…I feel so hurt and let down by her. When I was really upset about my mum (I wrote about it here!) I text her for help and she never text back. Now my mum is better mum has been telling me that she has been texting her and things so my own sister is purposely ignoring me and she did read my message…just didn’t care enough to call me. She didn’t give a damn how upset I was. It was so upsetting what was going on between my parents, over hearing the awful things they said to each other and my mum trying to hit my dad with a big stick. That sounds a bit funny I know but it wasn’t 🙁

I’m tired of people…Catherine, now my sister…ignoring me. I have always struggled with  being alone, feeling worthless, insignificant, last on everyone’s list and I hate it. Why do I mean so little to people? They say I mean a lot but they keep doing this…ignoring me in my times of need yet still talking to everyone else around them. It’s not fair. But I know deep down that I will NEVER be anything special. I tried texting my sister again today and she didn’t reply again…so I told her I never want to see her ever again. I’ve gathered up anything she ever gave me as a present and I’ll give it away to charity. I can’t deal with the hurt anymore, I just can’t do it. It is my fault for feeling so much hurt but I do still feel it and I have no release anymore. I no longer self harm. I have had minor incidents of it but it felt so wrong and I felt so guilty…I will never go back to that.

Anyway, Harry is asleep on my bed. He shouldn’t be having a nap at this time but his behaviour has been too much for me. He usually gets very insecure and unsettled after the weekends spending the day with his father but this time the insecurities and tantrums aren’t dying down. It must be his age now. I tried to take him for a local walk but he wanted to go in the car…he threw his drink on the pavement and went to fall to the floor but I wouldn’t let him. I tried to stand him up and his hold his hand to walk but he refused to stand up. I had no choice but to drag him back to the house. When I tried to do this he was pulling my hair as hard as he could. It was all so embarrassing I hope no one was watching. Every time I go to the toilet (which is A LOT as I actually have an overactive bladder which is currently going untreated because I cannot take the medication I need for it whilst I’m still breastfeeding) Harry screams and cries bloody murder, often banging his head on the floor or bashing violently at the bathroom door the whole time I’m in there. He does the same if I drink anything, eat anything, brush my teeth, have a shower, get dressed…he threw a horrible tantrum this morning simply because he saw me sitting down writing a birthday card to my aunt…my mum came running wanting to know what on earth had happened, she thought he was badly hurt but no it was just the sight of me sitting down at the table writing a birthday card. He throws tantrums about anything that I have to do…so now I feel guilty for needing the toilet, for showering, for eating & drinking, for brushing my teeth, for getting dressed 🙁

After an awful tantrum not too long ago I put him in his cot and left him screaming. He had just thrown my DVD player on thee floor on purpose and wouldn’t pick it back up even though I asked him several times so I put him in his cot since he hates it so much. After nearly five minutes I went to get him back and I took him downstairs to sit on my lap. He fell asleep pretty quickly. My dad has been asleep all day and my mum has been out since midday and still hasn’t come back yet, so I put Harry on my bed and he’s stayed asleep since about 4:15pm. It’s nearly 5pm. I shouldn’t have let him sleep but I’m just here all alone and I don’t know what to do with his behaviour. I’m exhausted and my back is killing me from holding him so much. He demands to be picked up so often. Neither of my parents pick him up so it’s always me and now every morning I wake up with my back feeling like I’m 99 not 29.

I’m just stupid feeling sorry for myself but sometimes we have to let ourselves feel like shit. I’ve lost a friend, my sister, it was Jodi’s 7 year angelversary recently, my parents have been arguing, my mum has been very unwell and unhappy, my dad is always extremely unwell and Harry really is going through the terrible twos…maybe it’s ok. Plus I have overactive bladder and BPD that makes it impossible to get along with people…it’s just too painful and I can’t stand it.

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