My bottom happened on July 7, 2017. That was over 1,500 hours ago. When I first was caught in my online addiction, I denied like mad. I swore I was normal and had all the answers. I stayed at some horrible little motel in mid Ohio. The bed was bad, shower ok, location abysmal. Noisy as hell, but I dealt with it in my deepest darkest misery. There was, however, huge hill filled with gravestones, a half mile away. Each day I climbed that hill and at the very top was the one and only tree and a bench. I climbed that hill many times each day and prayed. I knew God heard me, but I knew that he had more pressing issues.
I look back and those days feel and seem like years ago. I’ve come so far in my everything. My recovery program is going better than I could ever have dreamed. I have a sponsor plus several other guys I call, an addiction therapist who helps me immensely. And I have a wife who has welcomed me back into her most intimate life.
I stayed at my home in the guest room on Saturday. Last night, Sunday before Labor Day, she asked if I would like to sleep with her. It was the best night of my life. Nothing sexual, but tons of intimacy, the likes of which we had touched before but never embraced. It was simply stated, a wonderful weekend. I continue to work my program, continue to work the steps, meditate, journal and read our big book every day. I LOVE the new me and cannot wait to see what the future brings me.
I do this for me because I am lovable, I am worthwhile. I need not ever prove it to anyone again and that is crucial.
I think back to those days in the motel, or the weeks that followed in the efficiency place above Bob Kennen’s office. Not great days, but they all helped me make it. Why Linda still wants me, I’ll never know except to understand true love. That is the ONLY reason we are married and falling in love again.
Good night buds,