september sixth

I haven’t even been doing this college thing for a month yet but it feels like a lifetime (in a good way).  It’s interesting because I love this, like it’s exactly what I was hoping for and I’m thriving and I’m happy and I just love life. But I don’t think I’ll ever be able to love life completely because although this is exactly what I want I’m still not satisfied and I still feel like there are things missing and that this isn’t everything, but it is better than before. I still don’t feel good about myself but I like having room to breathe and test out the waters and start anew. I don’t want to go ‘home’ (which doesn’t even feel like home for me anymore) I want to stay here and be my own person forever and ever. I hope things get better but I don’t know how to describe what specifically is wrong. Maybe it’s that I haven’t found deep rooted friendships yet or that the future is still looming even though I’m living it. I haven’t really had a deep conversation in a while and it feels like the friends that I have don’t know the real me but I’m not trying to hide her and I don’t even know who the real me is I guess it’s just that they don’t know the old me but I don’t want them to know the old me I just I don’t even know what I’m saying but something is just missing, you know? But I’m happy. I have no freaking clue how that works. Like what is wrong?! Everything is so right!!! But it’s not??? what. 

Wait, maybe it’s that whole home is where the heart is thing. Like my parent’s house doesn’t feel like home, and neither does my family anymore. Manhattan is my home, and I call it that, but where specifically is my heart here? I need to find passion and friends and family. I guess that’s what my sorority is for and I’m hoping I find my niche. I’m not unhappy I’m just unsettled. And I have passions and friendships, they’re just not fully developed. I guess I’m struggling with identity. 

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