Listening to Chamber Of Reflection by Mac Demarco. I knew I would forget to write in here. So much has happened since the last time I wrote in my journal I don’t know where to begin. I want to vent everything on here, but that’s not the smartest choice now is it? Do I listen to my heart or to my brain more? Anyways, while I’ve been gone I’ve learned how uncertain I am, how obsessive, how boring, how fun, and how cool (to myself at least). I’ve learned that people are people and you have to accept them for who they are. Regretfully I understood this lesson a bit too late. I understood a lot a bit too late. I also forgot other lessons along the way. Simple ones. You may or may not read this, it’s ok though, I know I wasn’t the greatest person when I was with you. Especially towards the end. I’m sorry you had to deal with that. I regret not having the balls to talk with you at my housewarming party. It might have made a difference or it might not have. Either way I just want to talk with you. It’s sad not talking to you or seeing you or hanging out with you. We were in each others lives for months. How are we ok with not seeing each other even as friends? let me rephrase, how are YOU ok with this? I know I’m not. I miss you. I go visit you, but it’s becoming less and less frequent because I’m not seeing you making an effort to talk to me outside of your work. It hurts. It really hurts because we were so close. So fucking close. maybe I just felt close to you when you didn’t feel close to me. I’ll never know because it seems like you don’t want to talk. Why did we do this to each other? Why am I still hung up on it? I’m glad I’m not as crazy about it as I was a few months ago. I learned a lot from you. Good and bad things. I mainly want to talk to you to say thank you. Thank you for having been with me. Thank you for teaching me many things. Thank you for letting me into your kids lives for a brief moment. I miss them so much. I’m glad you’re ok with me hanging out with them sometimes. Especially because I’m going to be leaving next year. I will always have this infinite tenderness in my heart for you. No one could ever replace you. I only hope you find the person that loves all of you good and bad. I hope I find someone that loves all of me and I them. Who knows what the future brings. I’m done writing for now. Ending with The Way You’d Love Her by Mac Demarco. In a way it’s apt.
I'm growing. With every entry. With everything I read. Obviously. Like everyone else. I"m selfish. I hate the word but I am. I try not to be. I've found this website to be a great emotional outlet for the few times that I've written on here. Enjoy the jumbled mess.