Recovery: As if one type wasn’t enough, I’m actually doing two forms of recovery simultaneously. The foremost is recovery from my addiction. The second layer is recovery with my relationship with my wife of nearly 33 years. The first is like a strong hurricane, the second a powerful tornado, and I get to wrestle both at the same time.
Screwing up has been a large part of my life forever. Recovery from addiction is something I can keep under control, if I continually work my program and never let a moment go by when I’m not under the control of my higher power. I have tools in place to prevent acting out. Having said that, my wife is constantly fearful of not only me relapsing but scrutinizes every word I say, looking for hidden agendas, searching for compulsion, finding something controlling in my speaking. I’ve found it best to try to say almost nothing, which makes for bad conversations. I try to listen very much and speak very little. That too will be received as weird and either part of my addiction or in some way trying to control her.
This uphill battle shows no signs of lessening, but I work hard at these conflicts every minute of every day. My outlook on our marriage is not very rosy. I can already tell that I have a far better chance of staying in recovery and not giving into addiction than I have of successfully reconciling with my love of my life. So fearful is she of me trying to control her happiness that there is very little that I can say or do that doesn’t appear to be exactly that.
I don’t know what the future holds, I don’t even know what the next minute holds. For every 100 good things I do or say, the focus is on the 1 things I say in response that is remembered. I’d give anything to rewind and not act out in my addiction but that’s not possible. I can’t go back and I can’t seem to go forward. Very sad.