What I can’t say to you without fighting and breaking down

I do not expect you to reply or understand, I just want yo to kn

This is the first time I actually broke up with you. You were the one who did it previously. You asked me why, and it crushed me because I do not want to, I want and need you to be with me always. You are the light of my life, the love of my life. All I wanted to do when I see you is hold you and kiss you.  But I also need you to love me the way you promised me to when we got back together the last time. I chose to trust you even when I doubted you multiple times. You asked me what I brought into the relationship, I do not keep a list like you do but at the top of my head, I chose you over my feelings even when I know I should not forgive you. From ignoring me when overseas instead of skyping/calling like other long distance couples does to cheating, telling me you love while you try to look for someone better. I never wanted to brought up the past, but u constantly do, so I have to as well. 

Now, for the dealbreakers and broken promises, Im sorry but choosing me over anything and anyone was totally not what you did yesterday. Its no about the pill, its about I said no and instead of discussing it if u disagree, you disregarded my feelings completely and even gave it to him right away, thats saying FU to me, I dun care what u say. When you went way too far last week, I forgave you, when you apologized for being an asshole and swear never to leave again no matter what, I chose to trust you although I have no security. Threatening to leave me again after you just promised me you would never no matter how much we fight. i agree, iys getting old, its the same thing but did u stopped to think its cos ur doing it again? ur not choosing me again and u’r suppose to over anyone. Listing everything you do for me to gain the upper hand instead of doing it just cos u love me and ur happy doing it for me. Saying that you never do anything wrong and Im always trying to fight because you are always right just because you are a guy and you are always right, total discrimination.Totally leaves me speechless and in shock/pain on how arrogant and sexist you are.  Challenging me to leave you when I asked you to stop listing things and holding it against me, ( what are u gonna do about it if  I keep listing) well. challenge accepted.  So, these is all I did to love you but u never knew cos I never felt the need to throw it your face, I assumed you knew and appreciated it and would do anything to make it up. So please, do not say this is what I wanted. 

I know you do so much stuff for me, like me always wanting you next to me, getting me food and cooking for me, supporting me financially, I know all that. Im beyond happy and in love with you for that but to use it as a power play, I lost all happiness because ur intentions were not of love, it was to gain power. So, no, dun say what have i ever done for u as if I did nth. I sacrificed all my feelings for u, I changed my study schedule for you, I go the casino with you even if I hated it Everything you promised me, I trusted you 100%, thats why I fight you when you dun keep your end. 

Lastly, telling me you should always make the final decision instead being a team with the person you love is not acceptable to me. SInce you’re such the man, when your gf is upset, I dun see u running after her instead u chose to ignore her, yea double standards there. 

I do want you to love me, listen to me, choose me without thinking twice, do anything for me like you told me you would. You promised me you would and thats what u wanted too, we’re both controlling, we’re both selfish in terms of our relationships. I’m not even sure if u’re still reading but these is everything I wanted to say. I love you more than anything, I try my best to get stuff done before u get home, I wanna cuddle right away, I let things slip, for exp, u dun think I know u are still gonna smoke at work? Or when we were fighting on friday about being on the phone, and I was crying and in distress, u decided to ans the call from Cole for 45 mins, instead of my baby is upset, I can’ talk now. Did I say anything? I din’t because I know how to just let things slide because I know u love me. 

I have so much more to say but its pointless. That’s it for now Mr Perfect. I’m not gonna accept anything less, everything u said yesterday was just unacceptable to me. The decision is in your hands, not mine. I dun regret last night even if it was the last time. 

I don’t expect you to understand cos there’s nothing I can do,

I love you so much. I dun expect us to get back together anymore especially after I texted you yesterday and your reaction to it. I’m beyond broken and you’re just going on as if nothing happened. 

P/S: This is not to fight nor it comprise of everything on my mind but thats the gist of it.

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