Dissociative Disorder. I have dealt with it all my life. Almost everyone experiences it at one time or another, but for some, like me, it is an almost daily struggle.
It is an uneasy feeling, like being in an unfamiliar place. Feeling like you are floating… lost…but you aren’t. It is almost akin to the strangeness of being in a hotel in a different town. You watch the news, but don’t recognize the faces. You go out to eat and you are a stranger. You watch unfamiliar people, having unfamiliar conversations.
I just got home from a wonderful week long Caribbean vacation. It was fun, but I knew I would experience derealization and depersonalization when I got home. Even knowing that, I was homesick for familiarity.
I came from the hot sun, and salty humid air of the Caribbean, to the cool breeziness and pale Autumn sun of the Northeastern U.S. I was struck by an odd loneliness and anxiety as I walked into my house. I have tried to ease this anxiousness by pouring myself into work, laundry, necessary tasks, and catching up on TV shows I missed.
The funny (or not so funny) thing about Dissociative Disorder, is that I feel like a ghost sometimes, gently floating around the periphery of life. It is like being on the outside, looking in. A veil between me and real life. It is feeling lonely, even though I am not alone.
I will feel better in a few days. Until then, I will keep trying to lift the veil.