It’s friday night and I’m at home, bored, watching videos, asking myself why is that I’m not in bed right now instead I’m here writing about how I feel… this week hasn’t been that good, If you read my previous posts.. I decided that I wasn’t going to text the guy that I met last week.. instead of that just wait for him to do remember me.. Well it hasn’t happened yet.. although deep down I know that’s not gonna happen anyway, still I wish it would.. It’s really hard trying to stay strong and pretend that you’re not feeling like shit and just for some random guy (I mean I’m pretty sure that makes me look like a needy and pathetic person, and I’m not obsessed with him, I promise, it’s just that talking to him, having some one tell me nice things, made me feel better ), but there has been a lot going on in my life, it’s just that talking to him or someone that would make me feel special, made things easier, and now I don’t even have that, I feel everything it’s falling apart for me, as time passes I feel more depressed and anxious, I can’t stand just staying home and do nothing except read something (which I haven’t done that much cause I don’t find the will to do it) , finishing college was something so good, like yeah I’m finally a physician but that’s not enough, I can’t find a job, I have tons of debts to pay, I don’t even have money to spent to go out, or something, cause the little that I have I need to use it to pay for my credit cards, he’s not into me, (that sucks, it sucks knowing that) it’s like the irony of life, my ex keeps calling texting me or whatever everysingle day and he’s there like waiting for me to say Ok let’s give it another shot, I have some guys asking me out and I say no, like politely reject them and the guy that I actually like turns out that he’s rejectin me, IT SUCKS. I haven’t been able to sleep well, like I go to sleep at 1 am and fall sleep about 2 am, and keep waking up in the middle of night for no reason, so in the morning I feel like shit cause I haven’t rest well enough, and then the anxiety of not finding a job, not be able to go out, i can’t even go shopping cause I don’t want to spend more money. I’me getting to the point that i just keep staring lost in my own thoughts and then I start to feel sad, and I feel like crying, like right now, I hate that feeling, I hate feeling weak, being this vulnerable, I hate it. And I don’t wanna get back with my ex, because I know it won’t be fair, but I feel like if keep feeling like this, so sad, and alone, I’m gonna end up doing it, just cause that way I’m gonna have him to help me and deal with all of this. But he’s in such bad place right now, he called me today like twice but I was making me something to eat, and I was feeling like shit, like sad and mad and tired, back hurts, I was just in a bad mood, and usually I listen to him, for whatever reason, like if he’s happy, or sad, or just to say that he misses me or even when he gets upset for no reason and starts telling a lot of crazy stuff blaming me for everthing, I’ve been very patient with him, cause i’m like ok, i dumped him, I hurt him, I can take all of his drama if that makes him feel better, but not today, I was not in a good mod, and I didn’t wanted to listen to him telling all about his new teraphist, so he was like “ok i’ll call u tomoro, and i was like yeah whatever, bye” and hung up on him. I can feel how i’m breaking down piece by piece, and I don’t know how am I gonna get thru this. in the morning i posted a selfie on IG, I was saving that picture (i look kinda sexy in the picture, with pretty much no filter, but still nice, I’m good at selfies), to use it as a profile pic for the day that i decided to text this guy, like with some lame excuse of oh I was just wondering how have you been?.. and then he will probably tell me something like “Oh, Hey handsome”… just so I could feel myself better and a bit confident (which I’m not). So people on IG gave me likes and whatever sent me msgs, but like guys that I don’t really care for, bunch of guys, but not him… (I’m pretty sure that now u think I’m like incredibly insecure, and yes I am, although i don’t look like that, I’m pretty good at faking it, and looking confident).
So i’m gonna finish this reality that I’m watching, and then i’ll try sleep, I have some pills, sleeping pills, and for anxiety, that I was planning to take, just so I could rest properly, but now I’m not really sure about it, I know me, and I don’t wanna become addicted to them. It could make everything worse. and with my luck, anything bad can happen.