Leave Out All The Rest

The behaviour Harry shows when he comes back from his six hours with his dad still worries me. It’s odd because as far as I know Harry is having fun when he’s with his dad, he sends me photos and Harry is smiling. They have a dog which he loves because as a baby he loved Saskia. She started his love of dogs. Her one year anniversary is here already. I do think of Saskia still. I know I did the right thing in the end, but I made myself look like such a villain in order to do so. Maybe I shouldn’t have exaggerated so much when I phoned up the DogsTrust and said I was the owner when I wasn’t. I was only 14 when we rehomed Saskia. I exaggerated to the Dogstrust so much because it sounded like they weren’t going to do anything for her, I had to make it seem worse than it was because I knew she couldn’t go on how she was. Dad was never going to let her go, no matter how much she was suffering. I just wish I could have been there with her when she died. My greatest regret is that she had to die alone after being with us nearly 14 years. I know I should find comfort in the fact I brought her the peace she desperately needed when her true owner was too ill to accept her quality of life was horrible. That’s all that should matter but I still ache about Saskia at times. Rest in peace my beautiful goth dog, Harry loved you so much. That’s why when I was asked to pick a puppy to sponsor the other day I chose the black Labrador rather than the golden coloured one. Saskia was a Border Collie cross with a black Labrador.

Anyway 🙁 Harry has displayed bad behaviour on return since the first court arrangement was ever made back in March. I thought it would get better by now though…or at least be less severe. I wish I could video the state Harry is in not too long after returning. Will always gushes about how well behaved Harry is with him. It’s no wonder he doesn’t believe me when I talk about Harry’s horrendous tantrums and sheer distress he displays when he’s gone. Today Harry was so bad it’s got me considering ringing the CAFCASS lady to say I’m worried. But nothing will be achieved by this. Unfortunately as Harry doesn’t speak, the law doesn’t put his needs first since he can’t voice them himself. Me as the mother should be the closest thing Harry has to a voice right now, but I have immediately been dismissed from the start as being untrustworthy simply because I’ve had a long history of mental health issues requiring a lot of inpatient treatment. I can voice my concerns but the law will never listen. Harry and myself are the vulnerable ones, and I’m sure Will and his family know this, that’s exactly what they’ve taken advantage of. But for Harry, it is worth trying. Harry’s behaviour scared me today…should it still be like this after six months of these court arrangements and orders? I’m worried…but there’s little I can do against the law. It’s fucked me over for a long time. From being sectioned, thrown in prison and now with this court order. Harry and I need protection from the law…it treads on both of us…Harry because he’s too young to talk and me because I’m mentally ill and therefore that instantly makes me an untrustworthy child abuser to the law.

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