A trip that was wonderful, then failed again

My recovery continues to take me on a journey of which I am very proud.  I’ve completed steps 1-3 and am now working on 4, which is much more difficult and will take longer.  I questioned last week whether I am really working the steps.  Then I remembered that I am reading our SAA big book, I pray everyday, I call my sponsor everyday plus two other guys in the program, I journal and so yeah…. I am working the steps.  

I have figured out how to do things now, that I don’t have to procrastinate or assume I’m in capable.  I feel different, and think differently now.  It’s a wonderful feeling.

My beautiful wife agreed to go on a long weekend trip with me and four other couples with whom we are both friends.  Thursday through returning today.  It was going swimingly until yesterday we were lying in be holding each other.  No sex yet, that’s not possible until we connect on a spiritual and emotional intimacy level, but holding was very nice.  She asked if I was turned on and I said that I am just a man so I have physical reactions, but that I had no intention on acting on that, that I wanted to just feel close for now.  She said “I don’t trust you”, which was very harsh.  We all went to a restaurant and I proceeded to get drunk.  Very stupid and not something I do at all.  That was a terrible thing to choose to do and today, she says she no longer wants to attempt to reconcile with me.  I’m right back where I started.  

We had come so damn far, I’ve been working on my program so hard for 65 days, and walking on egg shells being so careful what I say around her, and I threw it all away on one dumb night of overdoing it.  I just feel like I died inside.  I’m so sad.  

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