again my perception of the world is changing. It is a process. I prayed allot today. I want to say no. I don’t want to chase anyone. I think I am ready for a new jacket. my jacket came from Mr Buttons. I’m getting stronger and want to let go. There are certain people in this world that enjoy the chase. He enjoys chasing. It’s a pursuit. He preys on his victims and when they give in to being bitten he leaves them to bleed out and finds another. A true predator for sport. He knows nothing of love or friendship. I would’ve given my life for his. I’m ready to let go. I want to say no.
I am an addict.. as are my children and my ex husband. It didn’t start out this way. I am the daughter of a pastor. I know so much better. I was a good woman at one point… taking my children to church and trying to teach them that God is the ONLY truth in this world or the next… then I had to leave my ex because of his addiction to sex. Everything I knew was scattered to the wind and I got lost. That was in 2001. I am only now finding my way back to my truth and trying to understand. Yesterday was a milestone.
I fell so head over heels in love with mr buttons the moment i laid eyes on him. Maybe it was his predatory nature and his unusual knowledge of “how to” that crept in.. but regardless…i again lost myself.. or what little there was left to lose. I’ve never asked God to give me strength enough to say no until now. As enormous as my love for Mr Buttons is…i want to say no. It hurts to love someone like this… especially when he knows nothing of this kind of love himself. I knew it would…i told him he was dangerous… but I gave in and that is my lack. I want to say no… because I don’t want to hurt anymore.