All this pain because of you

I don’t know what to do.

I feel so confused. I am tired of being sad over this damn, dumb ass boy. I literally hate myself because I am so in love with him.

Maybe I’m just young and naive, but I think I love him. I would never admit that to anyone–not even myself–but I would do anything for him and that terrifies me. He makes my heart ache. My soul scratches at my eyes, begging to escape with the tears. My body longs for his, and sometimes I imagine him with me, in the middle of the night, in my bed. My thoughts race every time he’s been offline for a while, wondering if what we have could all just be in my imagination. And then, I realize it is. It’s all in my head. “He doesn’t care for you,” my subconscious sneers, “he’s a senior, you’re a sophomore. He’ll just end up leaving either way.” Why bandage up the heartache I feel now, just to prepare for another? And yet, if he were to ask me out on a date, I would still run to him. Why the fuck am I so crazy?

I deserve someone who feels as crazy about me as I feel towards them. I know I deserve that, but any sort of attention from him sounds better than that. Sometimes we’ll have our moments and I’ll think, “maybe this is it. Maybe this is where we finally get our chance.” And the next day, it’s like he’s forgotten all about me–all about the night before.

But maybe it’s a good thing that I don’t have him. I seem to take flight when things get good.  Maybe I’m saving myself from heartbreak.


Song of the entry: Sweet Disposition by The Temper Trap


And I still find myself chasing after him in the halls.

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