I don’t really know what to say about today, well first, I was freaking out last night cause I thought I’ve lost this site cause it wouldn’t open, but I checked right now, and still works (obviously). I really enjoy writing about my problems, and how I feel, I’ve been thinking about how my ex, when he feels he can’t take more drama goes to therapy, I’m not the kind of person that believes in that, or that enjoys showing to others how bad am i feeling, I’m more like the suffer in silence type, i read somewhere that when we keep our problems to ouselves sometimes it gets worse, and it might transform into stress, insmonia, and I was like fuck, that’s totally me, still, I think that having this space to talk about my stuff helps a lot.
I woke up really late today, I hate doing that, cause it means that tonight i’m gonna have trouble sleeping. It’s been a regular monday, still unemployed, still alone, going to the gym helps a little, but then I come home, and it’s pretty much the same as everyday. I’m getting to that point where I’m considering using sex as a distraction LOL, to be honest I’m not really a sexually active person, I like to tease people, and I’m good at it, but I don’t know I’m just not that into sex, i talked to this guy today and i know him from my college, he works in the lab, but he’s like 40, and he wanted to hook up, and I was like maybe sometime idk maybe this weekend and he was oh, ok, bye., HAHAH I didn’t wanted to be rude and say something like dude I’m not like hot n ready to go as you wish, that reminded me of why I don’t like to fool around with random people anymore, it’s so shallow and pointless.
So… yeah back to me being and obssesed person today it’s a week since the guy that i’ve talking you about texted me. /= I don’t feel that bad or sad about it, I’m focusing really hard in trying not to think about him, and staying strong, cause I’ve tried almost every single trick I have to get a guy’s attention. and it’s not working, which is probably cause HE’S NOT INTO ME =( I’ve posted videos of me doing stuff, looking cute, change my profile picture again and again, damn I’m pretty sure I looke really desperate right now, and he’s just not notcing me or maybe not caring, and I’m here hung up on him, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I have nothing else to do, like literally NOTHING, I wish I could find a job, that way I’ll be busy with that and wouldn’t have any more spare time to think about him or anything else, because I know it’s not like HE’S THE GUY, not at all, it’s just that he was the only nice thing that has happened to me since I broke up with my bf. and it hurts my ego to know that he just doesn’t care for me, am I that forgettable? really? I don’t know if any of you have seen the movie “He’s not that into you”, well I do love that movie, and I feel like I’m Ginnifer Goodwin in that movie, except for the fact of course that at the end, I’m not the exception, I wish I was. But I’m that insecure person, that keep thinking about every single detail when it comes to dating some one, and thinking about he’s reactions, and the things he said, like everything! god, it’s so sad. I feel so embarrassed right now for keep writing about him, it’s a good thing that you don’t know who I am. Although now that I think about it at least Ginnifer or( Gigi in the movie) it’s braver than me, cause no matter how many times she got rejected she still kept trying. And I’m not like that, I’m more like a coward, afraid of rejection, that keeps trying very hard to playt it cool.
Anyway, I thought I was feeling better about all of this, but considering everything that I just wrote, I can see that I’m not.
PS. I just got a text from a friend that’s sick and wanted a medical consultation, I know it’s not ok to be happy about it, but i’m glad I can be of help. I know that’s what I need, I need to be working, I miss the hospital so much, I can’t believe I’m saying that but I do, I miss it, I miss the feeling of being someone useful, seeing patients, going home late, being tired, spending my time talking to the nurses, after checking my patients, not being able to sleep but because of the patients instead of having insomnia cause I don’t have anything to do, feel like an actual Doctor, instead of staying home thinking about meaningless stuff.
God, I can’t wait to get back into a hospital, and start working.