While I work on step four with vigor and all the emotion making that inventory of resentments, fears and listing those I’ve hurt, I am also wallowing in a marriage that continues to go downhill. The heartbreak is numbing my soul.
Over-imbibed on the last night of our trip together along with four other couples. Everything was going mostly well, with her telling me something I’d said or done that was wrong right in front of our friends, but that diminished too. We played tennis together, found things to do as a couple and with our friends. Then I blew it all and drank too much.
We fought on the drive home, then sort of made up over the phone later. Yesterday we toured our basement renovation together and were very civil, but love was completely lacking. She continues to wrestle any power over anything with regard to our home, basement, garage and everything to all belonging to her. I get it; I screwed up in so many ways. Here’s the rub though: She wants to retire and not work at all and the only way that can happen is if we live together in our home as a married couple. If we divorce, all real estate gets valued and sold and she would have to work full time as she is perfectly fit to do so.
Last straw for just yesterday, the day after we returned from our trip with friends was she texted all of them stating that “I play pickleball Tuesday and Wednesday”. No mention of the word “we” even thought this is a shared interest. Our friends did not respond because they are almost certainly scratching their collective head over that, now wondering again what is our status. It was a little embarrassing to say the least. It was very hurtful indeed and here I sit wondering yet another day whether I am married or not, and while I am still very much in love with her, I find more and more doubt that she loves me at all, merely sees me as a means to an end which is to not have to get up and go to work anymore.
I want my wife to love me and accept me and she’s never going to do that. So while all that shit is hitting the fan every day, I try to work the steps of my program. This tightrope walk is snuffing out my will to live.