Beauty, Bongs & BPD

this is my first online journal.  I was told years ago that journalling would help me sort everything, help me make peace with the chaos of my past.  I’ve tried many times to sit down and write through all the broken memories but  found it to just be tedious so i figured i’d switch my focus to a different avenue of journalling.  I felt like though I’ve lived a relatively short life I’ve learned a lot in that time and I strongly feel like my experiences could potentially help others so why not share my thoughts publicly?  Much of the growing I’ve done has been due to a combination of my own experiences and learning about others experiences.  I hope my experiences can contribute to the growing of others in some small way.


Pt.1 Beauty


 I’m currently pushing 27 years old and though I have been told the best years of my life will be my 30s I’m already anxious at the prospect of growing older.  I’m an internationally published alternative/fetish/nude model  which I’m sure contributes to my vain anxieties.  Though I have modelled since childhood I have been a part of the alternative modelling world since the age of 18. I initially got into it for fun! an ego boost i could gain while working with friends seemed like the perfect creative outlet for me at the time.  My high school sweetheart had recently dumped me and the rebound boy was not much more promising so I felt like I was in a rut.   High school is a vital time for learning about yourself.  It’s an important time because you slowly start to evolve into the person you’re going to become as an adult. But,  I spent my whole high school experience with one person I didn’t get a chance to learn as much about myself because I was part of the system so to speak.  Meeting new people,  trying new things … we’re all pretty much done with him by my side.  So There i stood at 18 trying to find my place, alone for the first time.  Modelling was an opportunity for me to just feel beautiful while alone and i loved that.  It started off as a hobby really,  but quickly grew into something i could make money off of, something i could potentially make a small career out of. 

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