Whenever my dog gets scared/startled I rub his back and tell him “it’s ok” until he seems he’s calmed down. I love him. The reason I’m writing this is because I feel like I’ve been saying this to myself too. I went over to a friends house who lives with his ex. His ex and I used to be friends, but shit happened and now we’re not. We hadn’t seen or heard from each other in months. I was nervous going over there, but my friend insisted saying that he invited some of his friends to play, smoke, and listen to music which sounds like a phenomal time (and it was!!). So I go over there expecting there to be yelling and things being thrown at me(because it’s happened with other people around her) and somehow we hit it off like nothing happened. Well not entirely there’s an elephant in the room but it’s not too bad surprisingly. Eventually we go to the bathroom and smoke. I may be reading too much into this, but she leans over to me and proceeds to repeat this for five minutes “hey have you heard this song? It’s called ‘All my friends are dead’.” She stares me in the eye every time she repeats it. Then we go to the living room and start wondering if we should play video games or listen to some music. 3 to 1 vote for video games. While my friend is trying to get it assembled (high af mind you) she catches my eye and tries to embarrass me in front of a bunch of people I don’t know trying to make me remember what movie she’s about to say we should watch. I remember about it and well it’s kind of embarrassing letting people know I like this movie a lot. My friend ends up going “oh this movie!” And I start giggling nervously until one of his friends is like l”oh hey that’s a good movie” and we proved to talk about it for a bit. Eventually she tries to taunt me with something else but I look at Kai (I brought him along) and I immediately think ‘it’s ok’. I feel myself calm down. I feel myself look at her and feel ok. I start having conversations with everyone else without the worry of “disappointing” her because for some reason I was still seeking her approval. I just now realized I was seeking approval. Damn. I need to work in that. Anyways i think this was a great step forward in being confident in myself. I told myself it was ok thanks to Kai. I’ve been telling myself it’s ok ever since. I repeat whenever I get nervous. It’s my little mantra. It doesn’t work all the time but I do it anyways because it’s really ok and I don’t have to seek the approval of everyone I meet no matter how much I want them to like me because not everyone will. Ok I think I’ve written enough for right now. I’m glad I’m seeing some growth in myself. It makes me super happy!
I'm growing. With every entry. With everything I read. Obviously. Like everyone else. I"m selfish. I hate the word but I am. I try not to be. I've found this website to be a great emotional outlet for the few times that I've written on here. Enjoy the jumbled mess.