64. 1:29

I have been taking the good days with the bad days, what it is, it what it’ll be. Everyday I wake up, and strive to let my past go. Whether it be what someone has done to me, or what I have done to someone, either way it’s in the past and needs to be let go. I can not better my self, how I feel about my self, until I let go of it all. Realize that no matter what, it’s happened, there’s nothing that I can do about it, just learn and better my self.
One conversation today….changed a lot of my outlook on my actions in the past year, and who I thought I had become. So here’s how this story unfolds….and how everything could be different, but it has made me see, everything happens for a reason.
A few weeks ago, after Rose had contacted me about the car, I had asked her if she would save me boxes from a truck day, and I’ll come pick them up. I honestly didn’t think that she was going to agree to is, seeing as she hasn’t talked to me since I told her to kick rocks, because I wanted to be with Ann.  Needless to say she did. That week on a Thursday I went to her store to pick up the boxes, she asked me to help her with some catering things ( odd because I no longer worked for the company then), I did regardless of how odd it was. After putting all the boxes in my car and all the catering things into her car, she joined me in a quick smoke. We exchanged how things were going in each of our lives, she inquired why Ann and I weren’t together anymore and I explained, I had cheated on her twice, once with her, and the situation with the server at work. She shook her head, said someday she has something to tell me, hugged me tight as hell, then walked away. I sat in my car for a second confused, then drove off. –today I found out what it was she had to tell me– Rose confessed, the night I thought I had cheated on Ann with her, wasn’t exactly what I thought happened. She stopped by after I had gotten home from the bar one night. I was smashed, she had texted me and asked if she could come over and talk. I allowed her, as I mistaken we could still be friends. She said we talked, played with the dogs, argued a little, and passed out watching something on Netflix. We never had sex that night. The next day, when I had asked her about it, because I was freaking out that I had cheated on Ann, even after for so long I made sure Rose and I never hung out, even at work events, she took advantage of the situation. She explained, she never expected me to tell Ann, she just wanted me to feel bad. After that statement I swear everything went white. Surprisingly calm, I simply said “your ruined my life”, and hung up. The emotions I have over this, are….just a swirl of…just that…emotions. Everything there, but on the verge of being something else. Had she been honest, Ann and I never would have broken up in the first place, we would have shortly been engaged, I never would of started doubting my self, my love for her, and who I was. I never would have hit the hole I did about my self, and my life. Ann was perfect, everything I have ever dreamt of, then some. That lie ate me alive, I thought about what I had done very time I touched her, looked at her, tried to express that I love her. Chomp chomp, chomp…every second of every day I tore my self apart I was a horrible fucking person…she deserved better. I drank my self into forgetting it, and eventually cheated again. I had convinced my self she was better off with out me, but I loved her so much, and I was so scared shed realize it and leave me to. So it’d be better if I just ran first. Now….all I can wonder is..if she never lied would I have began eating my self alive anyways, into a drunken mess and do what I did with that server anyways… 
Everything happens for a reason…

That’s how I’m getting through this. After spending 7 years with Antoinette, everything that happened then, spending time alone, getting to know my self is what’s best. I’m beginning to feel better about my self, for me, because of me, not because someone else says I’m great. Simply because I’m becoming a better me, building a better life for me, on my own. It hurts, because I have never loved the way I love her, and I’m sure I never will. Someday I hope to find the perfect words to describe how loving her felt. It was simply spectacular.
 
Oddly enough, I hold no anger toward Rose for this. I’m simply enlightened, even a little at ease if you will. I really am changing, and I like this guy I’m becoming. I’ve never been this way before. My hair shows it, ha. It’s becoming…quite long, in all the right ways, soon enough it’s going to start curling….it’s longer then I can usually stand, so I shall she how far it goes.
hmm…1:29…..earliest this week.
 
imissyou.goodnight.iloveyou.

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