Every morning I lay awake, be it 7 a.m., 8 a.m. or later, it doesn’t seem to matter. Occasionally I have a doctor appointment so I push myself to get up and get dressed. I look for the nearest pair of jeans and comfiest t-shirt or sweatshirt if the weather allows. I brush my hair and on a good day, I’ll put on some foundation and lipstick. Well, that or I picked the skin off my lips and the lipstick is to keep people from noticing. It still kills me to think I used to wake up at 5 a.m. and dress myself up from head to toe. Hair straightened, makeup on, heels and a dress, feed the dog, take her out, grab an energy drink and I was out the door – every, single, day. I commuted 1-3 hours each way and came home to walk the dog and study before bed… I was nothing short of a boss. And now… I am lucky if I have a reason to leave the house at all. I look forward to a phone call saying my niece missed the bus and asking if I can pick her up or a last minute invite to have dinner with my Mom. It’s a story you all have heard before but I’ll be damned if I’m not stuck… I tell myself “Tomorrow I’ll get dressed up for no reason!” or “Tomorrow we’re going to go on another adventure and get lost or go somewhere amazing!” And then tomorrow comes and I find myself thinking the same thing over and over, “why bother?”. Sometimes I go for drives or adventures with the pup but almost 3 months ago I stopped posting on social media and guess how many people have noticed? None. When I did post our adventures, I would get criticized for going alone when the truth is, I don’t have any friends here anymore… It’s a heartbreaking truth that I struggle to accept given that so many of my “once was” friends are within just a few miles of me. I know things aren’t the same anymore and I know that people are busy but is it too much to ask for someone to want to have a coffee date or a night out at the casino or a fun dinner with friends? I get it, I can’t go hike a mountain or walk the entire state fair but we never did those things anyways! It used to be girls night watching Greys Anatomy and drinking wine or driving around town as if we were teenagers again, just talking and singing to music… Hell, I have more space than I’ve ever had! I have room for game nights and a big bonfire in the backyard! But nope… People have moved on and some way, some how our friendships have faded away. I tried for a while but one can only try so hard for so long before sitting and finally accepting that the other person(s) either doesn’t care, doesn’t have time, isn’t willing to make you a priority, etc. No matter what the excuse, the end result is the same and that is that you are alone in a big, empty house and it is sad…I got this home for so many reasons. For one, it’s about as close to a farmhouse as I could afford with a front porch and a big backyard and only one neighbor who’s only here 6 months out of the year (It’s a neighborhood but the houses are spread apart and on the other side of me is a runoff pond)! My landlords approved my firepit project before I even moved in and I’ve worked on it all summer (It’s almost done! But what’s the rush?). I finally have a home big enough for living room furniture, a dining set AND a family room! That meant plenty of summer bbq’s and late nights by the fire with good friends and holidays FINALLY hosted at my house! For 30 years I’ve celebrated Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, etc. at my parents and then at my sisters, then my other sisters and I dreamed of the day that everyone would pile into my home and I’d stay up late the night before cleaning and wake up early to start the cooking… I dreamed of bbq’s and the kids running around with the dog outside… Never in a million years would I have thought that I would end up being so incredibly lonely. It takes me back to high school when I had very little friends and I intimidated people with my black clothes and hair, my studded belt and converse shoes… Before that I was a country girl, I spent my days at the horse barn, riding and cleaning stalls and shipping out to horse shows on the weekends… The black came into play when depression took over and my aunt died. I covered up the cuts with long sleeves and a tough girl attitude. Yet, ironically, anyone that took the time to get to know me or who simply was kind to me, saw the bright and shiny girl underneath… Some teachers assumed I was trouble and punished me for things that weren’t my fault. Others got to know me and boy did they LOVE me! I wasn’t a trouble maker by any means, I was just a kid and a sad one at that… Then I dropped out and I went to work and I realized that I am really, really good at working and that I would make so many friends that in a sense, it brought me out of my shell. So I did that for idk, 12 years or so and one day it was all taken away… When I realized I wasn’t going back to work anytime soon, I was terrified… Of course you worry about money and what not but you sit at home and the cards stop coming and the phone stops ringing and then the visits stop and pretty soon, here we are all over again… Alone and depressed and I am no longer that bright and shiny social butterfly… I want to hide because I’m…sad and hurting and I just can’t understand why someone who’s love by so many can suddenly be so alone… It just doesn’t feel fair. And despite telling myself it’s going to be okay and it’s going to get better and I just have to keep doing this and keep doing that and don’t forget! It could be worse! And if I just look at the bright side and be thankful for what I do have then all will be good and great in the world… Not. Seriously, I want to be that girl who wakes up every day and is thankful to be here and appreciates the day as if it were my last but the truth is, I’m not that girl and I have no f*ing idea how to get there… *Sigh*.