Sunday September 17th

I have been thinking about moving back a lot. I even applied for some jobs last night. I had a hard day at school on Friday and I had a hard time with the SAT administration yesterday. I was really frustrated with the kids. Those kids yesterday – about 6 of them would not be quiet. I don’t understand why you would get up on a Saturday morning, come to school to take a practice SAT, then talk and disrupt others from taking the test. And then nap during the test. What the hell? 

The kids were out of control on Friday during 6th period. It was a shit show. I was miserable. I wish someone would just tell me what to do. I cannot decide for myself . I am thinking about trying to get an appointment to see Lisa while I am in Lexington for Thanksgiving. I need someone I can trust. I have no one I can ask for help with decision making. How I’m feeling now is how I was feeling back in the spring. I woke up at 4am this morning and I couldn’t go back to sleep. I have so much going through my mind. I miss my son and I miss my dog. I don’t know what to do. 

Later, that same day…

I think I am going home for sure. I just don’t know when. I miss my son. I miss my dog. I want to go home. I applied for some jobs on the fcps web site yesterday. If any of the schools call me for an interview, I am going to ask them if I can accept it starting in January. I don’t know if that’s the best thing to do, but I don’t know what is the best thing to do. 

I have my foster home idea posted on go fund me. If someone would give me the money, I would go home tomorrow. I miss my son so much it hurts me. It seems like it always comes down to money for me. Not enough money or no money has been the story of my life. People that are rich have no idea what life is like for the rest of us. People with millions, I mean. They could give me $50k and not even miss it and it would change my life. 

I am giving up on dating. I am going to be alone forever. I was thinking about killing myself last summer. Now I know that I can just choose to stay alive and give my life in service to others. 

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