And then it hit me…

So.. it has been a couple of interesting days, first of all about my friend that called me cause he was sick, and I was disturbingly happy cause I was gonna help him, so everything went well, I think, he’s getting better, and now we just have to wait for the meds to work and in a couple of weeks get some new labs just to make sure everything is OK, I was really upset about him not taking care of himself, it reminded me of my bestfriend who passed away about 3 years ago, that’s something that still hurts, knowing that I wasn’t there for him, when he needed me the most, and that I couldn’t do anything to help him, not being there for him it’s something that I’m gonna regret my whole life, but at that time it was just too much for me to handle, so I kinda panicked and didn’t know what to do, anyway I’ll tell  you that story someother time. 

So, I had scheduled 2 job interviews on friday morning, I knew that wasn’t gonna work out so I had to make a choice and decided to cancel one, and went to other one that I really really care about, cause the job it’s perfect for me, I don’t wanna get too excited about it, cause last time they told me that they liked me and took 2 weeks for them to call me back, so right now I’m trying too keep it cool, and just wait for the call, but I have to admit I’m kinda scared, cause I really would love to work there, but the thing is that it’s Dermatology center, and I have a few tattoos on my left arm, and chest, so I’m really nervouse about it, cause you know as a physician it’s not so good to have visible tattoos specially if you’re working in a Dermatol0gy Clinic, I was hoping I wouldn’t have any problems cause of the medical gown (idk if that’s the correct word) but the I saw the other doctors of the clinic and most of them were wearing surgical uniforms, and i was like FUCK! cause they don’t have long sleeves so I’m really worried about it, anyway, I just hope I can hide them with some shirts or something, and the other job interviwew that i cancelled they sent me an email telling me that it was ok, and that they could reschedule on monday morning, so I said yes, but they haven’t respond me. So i have to wait for that. So that’s kind of like the highpoint of my weekend, it was pretty good, i was kinda busy and I really needed that, but I also felt a little down you know cause I didn’t have that person to call and tell him “Hey I have great news..” . So on Saturday I went out to the movies with my ex, yeah (what am I thinking right?) he aske me out last week but I was like, yeah we can go to the movies, (I really needed to go out cause staying home sucks) but idk for me it was like going out with a friend, but for him it was more like a date, when i got to his place, he was wearing a shirt, and well dressed and everything and I was like uhm,,, Ok. he can look really good when he wants to, but it made me feel a little uncomfortable, so we  went to watch IT, which was good, more funny than scary, but while we were ther, he tried to feed me some snacks on my mouth, and it was kinda awkward, with a little flasback, cause on our first date, he did that, and it made me feel sad, cause all I was thinking was how different would it be if I was on date with the guy that rejected me, instead of him, and I was like this is wrong, I shouldn’t be using him like this, cause if I were with that guy I’m pretty sure the situation would be the other way around, and I’ll be the one trying to feed him something just to be close to him, and try to touch his lips, This is so freaking wrong. I can’t believe that I’m stll thinking about him, after just one freaking date, I mean come on! what’s wrong with me? I read on facebook on those stupid corny and pathetic quotes that said “Politeness has become so rare that it is often mistaken for flirtation”, and immeately made me think of him, and how polite and kind he was during or date, and then it hit me, maybe I did that, I’m so used to meet jerks, that I confused his politeness, maybe he was just being him, nice and kind, and that’s so sad, cause even right now as i’m writing this down, I keep telling to myself that maybe not, cause during the whole movie he was next to me, like really close, and he didn’t move his arm, and neither did I, and believe me I wanted to, cause it wasn’t comfortable, but I didn’t care, cause I wanted to be able to rose his arm, during the movie, and I remember he said to me to my face, in person, he called me handsome, and at least I don’t do that, ever, and during the movie he touched my face, gosh I hate remembering all of this, I hate it, I want to forget about him, I want to pretend it never happened, I know I shouldn’t agree to go on a date with him, not right before he left, maybe if I wouldn’t say yes, maybe we would still talking, maybe… but no, I had to break my rules. It’s been 2 weeks since I hear from him, and I saw that he’s active on social networks, on whatsapp, and on facebook, cause we have a mutual friend and i can see his likes on his posts, he even change his profile picture, and wrote something, like: ” A joint, a beer and a taco that’s all I need to be happy”. it got me thinking i don’t even know why I like him so much, we are so different, he’s easygoing, spontaneous, outdoorsy, he likes simple things, he can eat anything, everywhere, he’s a guy of simple tastes, and me, well i’m completely the opposite, I always like to make plans, I like nice things, nice restaurants, nice hotels, i’m not at all spontaneous, I don’t drink anymore, and don’t do drugs anymore, i don’t eat on the strees, What am I thinking? I don’t know, I really don’t know, I’m pretty sure it’s just cause I have nothing to do, and I wish I could be different, but I’m not, maybe it’s the fact that he was trying really hard to make a good impression with me, and then I actually like him, and now he rejected me. Maybe he’s just having an amazing time on that city, after all it’s different people, way more open, way more advanced, and a lot more of gay guys with great style and more fitness, that I could ever be, and I know I can’t compete with that. I hate social networks, i’m having a really hard time, trying to not stalk him on facebook or twitter, it’s been 2 weeks, and he’s gonna be there for another month and a half. I need to stay away from that, although, I was so bored today that I almost text him. I’m hopeless. 

PS. I think all my posts finish the same way, talking about him, pathetic, really pathethic,

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