I’m completing my 4th step. This has required greater self-exploration still. So I’ve been saying the “Lord’s Prayer” all my life and figured that covered me forgiving and all with the simple statement “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us”. Yeah, all better now; right? But that was just a very generic big net that I thought covered it and I was both forgiven and had forgiven anyone and everyone by making that one broad sweeping statement. It’s powerful, but it’s not enough.
In the 4th step, we actually think long and hard about every single resentment we have whether due to any and all individuals and even concepts. We name each and decipher the reason for said resentment. They we list all of our fears and come to terms with those. We then list everyone we may have hurt, with the why’s and how’s and all.
That moral inventory cleans house. I’ve even heard it referred to as spiritual vomiting. In any case, this step really did force me to introspect and get to the root of all things that have held me back emotionally. Without coming fully to terms with these, we are never able to achieve a spiritual journey. This started out as very difficult, then turned into something exhilarating. I feel cleansed from the inside our. Result? I feel different, better, more at peace than ever before.
Results? My wife sees and feels the changes through which I’m going. She invited me to stay the night on Saturday, after we cuddled on the sofa. The next day I asked if I could take one of the pillows we had in our basement renovation for the hard straight back chair I use in my rented room. She said that she had a pillow, to please come upstairs with her. She held up a goofy pillow and then pointed to my favorite large recliner chair and ottoman and said that I could have the pillow or that chair. I looked at her a little perplexed and said “I can’t possibly fit that in my little room”. She then said, “you can sit in it here”. It took a minute before I got it. She is very clever. I sat on the bed and she held me close and asked me to move back in. After 72 days of hell on earth, her temporary roommate had just moved out that day and my lovely wife was asking me to come home.
I went up the hill to my rented room and got a few things, returning about an hour later. We slept together again, holding each other, caressing and talking. No sex in months mind you, but that’s ok too. What I desire now is a different kind of intimacy. Yes I am just a man and naturally I have a physical reaction but I do not act on it. We’re not there, and might not be for a long time. We are dancing a kind of non-genital love making that is magical. I’m really perfectly fine with that. I have or am getting that which I really wanted and needed for so long. To reclaim my self, and to introduce the changing me to the one I love and for her to accept me again. She has not only done that, she has welcomed me and is loving the person I have become.
I still have work to do but friends, I am back home again. The journey was long and harsh, but I’m home and falling asleep in the arms of the one I love; my true soulmate.