Today I was supposed to have a job interview via skype, it’s from the other job that I cancelled last week, they said they could do it today, so i said yes, anyway it was supposed to be at noon but, that didn’t happen, I was reall nervous, not about the job itself cause to be honest I’m no that interested in that job, but I wanted to give it a shot, while I wait for the other clinic to call me, I was nervous about the interview, cause first of all, I’ve never used skype in my life, (no, i’m not kidding), and of course i’ve never done a remote interview before, so I go all dressed up as I always do for any interview, and then I was trying to find the perfect spot for the video, so I found it, and then did a few tests with my ex (i know i have to stop doing that), and then i waited, I waited for about 1 hour and a half, and nothing,,, not even an email saying “hey sorry, i can’t do the interview right now, how about later?” nope, not even that, so, I got tired, and did some facetime with a friend just I could complain about it, and then decided to change clothes, and go to the gym. So I have this theory that perhaps they did that to me, cause I cancel the interview from last friday, but I mean why send me an email telling that it was ok, that we could reschedule. Anyway, so this afternoon I had a little chat with an old friend from another college, when i was studying languages, she’s pregnant now, and she’s on her 7th month so she’s almost ready, we used to spend all the time together while we were on that college, those were good times, crazy and wild times, hahaha I almost became an alcoholic back then, but it was so much fun, I remember that i used to party A LOT, and didn’t have time to think about boys, which was good, I wasn’t really going through all the drama, like right now, but I was a completely diferent person, I was anorexic back then, with almost no sense of style, really bad hair, I used to dress like a hippie or a a hobo, and I didn’t care about anything except for having fun, getting wasted and high, I don’t really remember if I was sluty back then, but she said I was hahaha so maybe it’s true, but now that i was talking to her, telling her about my ex, how i’m single now, how i’m dealing with all of this drama, i told her that i went out with my ex this weekend and she was like wtf, why r u doing that? if u keep doing it, u r gonna end up back together with him, she told me to find someone else, date other people, which of course brought the subject of this little guy that rejected me ( yeah, still haven’t heard from him), she asked me “What happened with you? You were such a slut” and yeah, I guess i’ve changed a lot, i’m not the same guy anymore, I stop drinking, stop smoking, I don’t do drugs anymore, I haven’t had sex in over a year or maybe more, and she was like, don’t u have someone to ask u out? and i was like, well yeah there some guys who keep talking to me, but I know that all they want is to fuck, and that’s it, and I don’t really want that, not anymore, I mean not just that, and I also don’t want to jump to another relationship cause that wouldn’t work, but I just want someone that actually wants to get to know me, you know? not just fuck me. I know I don’t make things easier for guys cause I have this image of sort of like sluty, cute, confident sexy guy on social networks, and I do show a little skin, i like to tease people, but I never do anything, and i don’t take serious the guys that just get close to me in order to have sex, I have fun with them but that’s it, I want someone that can see pass that image that I’ve created on social media, someone that doesn’t just come to me cause they want to fuck me, but they actually want to talk to me, get to know me, like I’m really good at conversati0ns, and I’m fun and a bitter but in a funny way, but it’s very rare to find someone that would actually take the time to get to know me, maybe it’s my fault for creating that image, but I feel like if I don’t pics like that, i won’t get anyone’s attention, as I said before, I’m not ugly, but I always need to make an effort in order to look good, like diet, gym, the right clothing, show a little skin, and I post stuff like that cause I believe that you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. And I appreciate when someone starts talking to me maybe cause they find kinda cute, but then while we talk more, they can see that I’m so much more, than just the typical twink that just cares about having fun and getting laid. She said that I’m diferent now, more mature, and maybe that’s why I don’t like the same things that I used to, I’ve outgrown them.
She told me she texted this guy that she used to fool a round with a few years ago, she kinda fell for him, but he was married, and she had a boyfriend (now his husband), and he ended things, she was so sad, cause she couldn’t forget about him, and she told me today that she’s happy, but she still thinks about him, so she texted him, but he was really cold, and didn’t say much, so she stopped. It reminded me a little of my actual situation cause i told her that i liked this guy, but he hasn’t texted me or anything for the las 2 weeks almost 3 now, and that i was trying really hard not to text him cause I didn’t wanted to look like a loser who can’t take a hint. And then I was like oh, i’m sorry i said that I wasn’t referring to her, I was talking about me. cause I’m that guy you know, the type of guy that follows the advice, like “you should break up with him, it’s not healthy for you”, or “you should stop seeing that person”. I do that, but not cause someone’s telling me to do it, but cause I know it’s the righ thing to do, and it’s gonna hard as hell and it’s gonna be painful, but I have to convince myself that I can take it, and then things will get better. About 2 yeas ago, I was cheating on my ex, I know it’s no excuse, but things were already bad, and after 4 years of being together I met this guy, and i was cheating for the first time, it was fun at first, he was nothing like me, I remember that the first day that we went out I didn’t like him, he was rude, and fool of himself, and all the time I was thinking, ok this is wrong I wanna go home, and we stop talking but then after about 3 weeks I texted him asking about what time does the gym open on sundays?and then we started talking, i told him I had a boyfriend, he told he didn’t care he just wanted to fool around, and I was like ok. so we were together for like 3-4 months, I saw him, 2-3 times a week, and things started to get complicated, cause i kinda started to like him, and had feelings for him, so, long story short, so at the end he told me he was kinda falling for me, but he was also dating someone else, and he felt so confused, and he ended things, cause I wasn’t gonna leave my bf, so we broke up, i was so sad i felt heatbroken , we didn’t talk anymore, then after a few days he called me, said he regreted the decision he made, and he wanted to keep seeing me, so, i said yes, of course, but before we had a chance to get back together, he went on a mini trip with the guy he was dating, and decided that maybe, it was better this way, and not getting back together, i was so upset, and angry and I knew it was my fault, cause after that he came looking for me again, and me as a complete stupid I said yes, ok, we can meet, but I think u owe me an apology, so that never happened, we never got back together, we got into an argument cause he was too tired to come to my place, and I was like r u for real? I practically kicked my boyfriend out, telling him that I wasn’t feeling okay, and now you r telling me u r too tired? and that was it, I knew it was my fault, cause he was playing with me, maybe he never had feelings for me like he told me, So I’ve never talked to him again, never look for him, I’ve ran into him at gym, and i don’t talk to him, I pretend like he doesn’t exist, I thought I couldn’t get over him but now I am, I’ve made the decision to never be that stupid, and look for some guy, and be that desperate, cause it doesn’t work, evertime I try to make the first move, things doesn’t work out, that’s why right now I’m like if he likes me, he will text me, and even if I really really like him I won’t look for him, I won’t be this weak and pathetic again.
And that’s what I’m trying to do with this guy, not look for him, cause I’m afraid things won’t work out, and he’ll end up ghosting me or something, and I’m gonna end up feeling worse than I do right now.