The funeral for my Grannie is on Friday. I’m feeling a little detached, even in denial, How could she really be gone. For more then half my life this woman raised, tried to reassure me when my parents didn’t show up, eventually they would. She taught me to be a gentleman, and to love everyone no matter your beliefs. “Love thy neighbor”. She began my love for cooking, for gardening. She even forced me to love those plastic covers you put over couches. Eck. Haha, the wonders of old school vapor rub, and tea with honey and lemon. Daily crossword puzzles, and word searches. There was one point in time, when from the age of 15 to 17 I talked to her every weekend, and every weekend she convinced me not to commit suicide. The only person to know how bad it really was. She raised me, gave me life, saved my life, the entire reason I have the old school tendencies I have.
I’m not ready to say good bye. This makes three family members I have lost in the past year, I hope there’s a break for a while. I have barely excepted my grandfather and uncle being taking within weeks of each other.
I feel my emotions slowly cutting them selves off. There was a red flag that flew tonight while I was speaking with James. During our conversation, I had mentioned the need for dress shoes, he enquired why. I simply said for a funeral, and said it was my grandmother. He kind of dry laughed, and asked if I had a troubled relationship with her. I explained no, and old him how much she means to me, and the impact she has had on my life. He reply, was that I’ve emotionally rejected what has happened, the way I told him was as if it was nothing, and definitely not in my character. I couldn’t do more then shrug my shoulders, I explained a situation that happened when I had first found out, what my mother had done, and how it just…closed off my emotions. My mother has this habit of bring people into the situation, and sharing information to people she should, personal, sensitive information. People that shouldn’t know, nor do I want to know emotional vulnerabilities.
On top of all of this, I’m sick. Everything from my throat up aches. There’s snot coming out of places I didn’t think could, my eye’s are crusted together when I wake up. I literally feel like I’m going to meet and unfortunate death of drowning in mucus. Though, no surprise, it’s almost 3 am and I’m awake. It’s coming to that time I wrap my self in a blanket and force my self to sleep.