Elation then fear

My recovery:  Still going strong and today marks 75 days of not acting out and working my program.  Unfortunately, my sponsor is not always available.  I try to call him every day, but he sometimes does not answer calls or texts.  Yesterday was one such day.  Called a little after 8pm, reached voice mail.  Texted stating I’d forgotten that he would be bathing or putting his toddler son to bed and that I’d call after 9pm.  No response.  Called at 9:09pm, and got voice mail again.  

Thing is, I know another guy in the program and our home group.  My sponsor is also his sponsor.  That guy boasts that they have sessions that last almost an hour.  When I do reach my sponsor, I’m lucky to get 5 minutes.  I may need to make a change, but to whom?  Our group is so small, and few have worked all 12 steps. 

As for my marriage, we are mostly blissfully in love.  We have so many tender moments now.  Though we’ve not made love in over 75 days, there is great passion.  Sure, I’m a man and I’d jump at the chance to make love, but we’re working on that emotional intimacy right now and that has to be enough.  It is enough, honestly, for now.  One day at a time.

Last night after just holding each other in bed, she rolled over after I said that I needed to run floss and brush and she said “I’m so scared about you living here again”.  When I pressed her with “what triggered that fear?”, her answer was “I’m sleeping now”.  I replied that maybe she needed more time, that I could stay up the hill with my roommate tomorrow night and several days.  She sleepily agreed.

This morning was bleak after not getting much sleep.  It’s amazing how just a few words spoken can affect everything else.  Words can do so much harm.  In fact, I’m convinced that every war throughout human history began with poorly chosen words, or maybe very well chosen words if war was the desire.  I showered and got ready for work.  I packed up most of my things as it would appear that I won’t be sleeping with her tonight.  I took her a hot cup of coffee, placed it on her nightstand and said “goodbye”.  She stirred and said she loved me.  As I headed for the door she said “Kiss”.  So I walked back and kissed her.  Again she said she loved me and I said “I love you too”.  

“Should I stay or should I go now?

If I go there will be trouble

but if I stay it will be double.

This indecision’s bugging me.

If you don’t want me set me free.

One time it’s fine and next it’s black.”

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