I’m beginning to think it’s my fault

This morning I went out with a friend, to do some paperwork, we were talking as usual and I couldn’t help myself and told her about how I’ve been feeling lately, about my life, about guys, about the image I project, and how I do have guys interested in my but not in the right way, and she told me that yeah on first impression I don’t seem a nice person, she said that she was scare of me, cause when we were interns on the hospital we were on the same shift, and she thought I wouldn’t be a good partner, she told me that the rest of the interns even had group without me, cause no one liked me, but then she got to know me, an realised I’m not such a bad person, and I was good at work, and fun and it was nice to hang out with me, so we became pretty close like we’re almost best friends, I can trust her with practically anything and I think she feels the same way, so she said that maybe that’s why I am alone right now, cause people need to know me and realise that the image of a mean and cooky person, it’s just a cover, and i’m nothing like that,  she also told me that maybe guys are just talking to me cause of the pics that I post, shirtless and whatever, she said “you look a bit sluty on social media, so that’s probably the reason guys just wants to fuck cause they don’t think they can take you seriously, and maybe the right guys who actually wants to meet someone, don’t talk you cause you don’t look like a serious person” so it got me thinking maybe I’m doing things wrong, and the image that I’m portraying, it’s not right and that’s why it’s very rare that someone actually takes the time to get to know me properly. I also told her about the last 2 guys that I’ve dated and the fact that the only reason for me to agree to go out with them was that they never mention sex during or conversations, it was just talking about our life, our likes dislikes, the seemed to be interested in getting to know me, but then after our date, nothing happened, they never called me back, probably cause they didn’t find me atractive in person.

But I also feel like I don’t really go out that much, the only way I have to meet guys it’s online, and showing a little skin always help, to get someone’s attention.

I was saving this comment for last, LOL. Today there was another earthquake here on MEX, to be honest I didn’t even realise it was happening I was at the gym on the dressing rooms, and then people started to leave the gym, and I heard there was an eartquake, and I was like, really? I didn’t feel anything. I saw on the news and on Tw and pretty much everywhere, that things are bad in Mexico city, (and the last guy that I’ve been telling u about, is living there righ now) So… I almost texted him, to ask him if he was ok… (I mean not just cause of the earthquake, but I also wanted to use it as an excuse to talk to him), but I talk myself out of it, and I didn’t do it, instead.. I stalked him on Tw, which… yeah, was a mistake, I mean it’s only been 3 weeks since he left, and I have this goal to wait until the first days of october, to text him, and casually ask him how he’s been doing, I even have the conversation in my mind, it’s gonna start with something like this: “Oh, Hey Stranger!  I was going through my phone and found a picture of you… and it got me thinking about you, and I wanted to know how have you been? it’s been a while since we talk…” HAHAHAHA it’s pretty lame isn’t? But i have to wait, at least until october, that’s my goal. so anyway back to the stalking part, a friend of mine follows him on TW so I found him, just to check his tweets, in order to know if he was ok. and yeah, apparently he’s fine. But then I couldn’t help myself, and checked the rest of his tweets (i hate myself for doing it), and well he’s been doing ok, tweeting random stuff, I  think something kinda bad happened to him cause he tweeted something like “I have the worst luck” like twice, and that he has been getting wasted, which is normal, and then he tweeted this: “There are two things I don’t mind spending, on food and on the actions for someone that interests me”. So I said to myself, there you have it, are you happy now? If he wanted to see you, he’d look for you. Just like when he was asking me out, he did it like 3 times, until I said yes. 

So I have to wait until October, to text him, and maybe just maybe, I won’t do it, and I’ll just wait until he comes back, or maybe I’ll be over him, maybe…

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