Paradise (What about us?)

My family in Mexico are ok, they haven’t been hurt in any of the earthquakes…but my aunt rang earlier and spoke to my mum saying that the sights they have seen have been horrible. Thank goodness they are safe and well. I feel awful about the school that collapsed and loads of children died…I hate it when children die, they are so innocent. Not saying it’s ok for adults to die in natural disasters but there’s just something extra disturbing when little children die, it really breaks my heart and makes me feel sad. I’ve never been a children loving person but having Harry has opened my eyes a bit!

I have time to write here a bit because Harry has two and a half hours with his father every Wednesday since this weekend Harry won’t see Will at all. He sees Harry on both the Saturday and Sunday every other week, not every single week so the Wednesdays are for the weekend Will doesn’t see Harry at all.

I haven’t written here for a bit, I am actually not feeling that great at all in myself. Other people are stressing and upsetting me more than usual…not that they are trying to or anything it’s just the condition I have, I find all my relationships even though I have little can be a massive struggle for me simply because of my condition. I feel so hurt by everything people do and I can’t seem to cope very well, sometimes it’s just worse than other times. Can’t cope with people at the moment but I carry on trying to. I went to the group on Monday again and the lady from the soft play was there this time! Harry was full up with a cold so didn’t enjoy the group much, neither did he enjoy nursery the next day because of his cold. He still has it now. The lady, Ashleigh, has invited e and Harry to getting fishing and chips with her and her son Jack after the next group on Monday. I have to keep trying for Harry’s sake.

I worry about Harry. I feel like I leave him too much…like he enjoys going out with his dad and playing at the nursery but when he comes back he’s extremely distressed, upset and insecure, he throws a tantrum if I go to the toilet. Obviously he is worried about me leaving…he has fun but he wishes I was there too. He wants to stay with me all the time…which is natural for his age. That’s why I hate Harry’s dad for what he did. He didn’t take me to court because I didn’t let him see Harry, he took me to court simply to have Harry without me there and he obviously wanted overnights straight away. I know he wants a relationship with Harry I am not disputing that, but the mother’s role is so strong at the beginning…he should have been a part of that, not aim that it’s cut off completely in the view Harry would get to attached to him quicker without me there…on the contrary I was always there to help Harry get to know his dad and his other family. Harry enjoys being with his dad but doesn’t understand why I’m not there so when he comes home he is desperately clingy and it’s hell for me…and for him. And with nursery my mum persuaded me…I was hesitant but I did want him to socialise with other children, he doesn’t have many friends at all. Now I’m back to what I first thought, he’s still too young and I am not able to verbally explain things to him yet. He just wants to be with me! The UK has a bad habit of making children grow up way too fast, school is getting earlier and earlier…I disagree with all that. Sigh, I don’t know what to do.

Harry isn’t going to be this attached to me forever. Will should have waited and gone at Harry’s pace, not his own. I’ve had to work even harder because of this court order, Harry’s behaviour on return can be so awful it scares me, his distress is distressing to witness. His blatant fear and insecurity when he’s back home is hard to deal with. But I keep working at it, I have to be there for him and help him through it.

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