A Sinner’s Prayer

Dear God

‘God does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear’

Ya ilahi (Oh Lord) i always think of this quote when life gets too much and i feel like i can’t go on or take anymore. I have asked myself so many times why me? Am i bad person? Am i being punished for something i have done in my life? Maybe you have chosen for me to be punished in life so that i am able to be free of punishment in the grave and reach jannah (heaven). I do believe this about much that has happened in my life.

‘God tests those he loves’

I do believe you love me Ya ilahi. You have given me this heart that is pure. I know there have been times i have felt this heart is a curse to me because this dunya (world) has broken it so many times. I have been stabbed and bruised so many times Ya ilahi, but then i remind myself that every test comes from you. I have to put my faith in you to do what is right for me and to teach me what i need to know to be better equipped for whatever lays in my future. I may not know but you are the all knowing.

‘My Lord! I seek refuge with you from the whisperings of the devil, and i seek refuge with you, My Lord! Lest they may come near me.’

I believe you bought the vixen in my life to teach my trusting open heart that the world has as much darkness as it has light. You bought her because you wanted to teach this heart that it must be strong and resilient to pain. She may be the most toxic person i have ever met but the truth is i have learnt a great deal from her. She is everything i don’t want to be Ya ilahi. I thank you for showing me where the wrong end up. But please Ya ilahi i ask you for protection! Protect me and those i love from her evil ways, her evil eye, her magic and malice full heart. I wish her no harm, all i ask is that she stays away from me Ya ilahi. Keep her at peace but away from playing any part in my future or infecting my loved ones any longer.

‘I am with the ones whose hearts are torn’

I know you took Ash away from me and sent me to the edge because there was a time i felt that my love for him exceeded my love for you. I know you put me through those trials to strengthen me even though i couldn’t understand or see why it was happening. You did that to remind me that no man should rank so highly because he is merely a man. All of mankind is flawed, perfection is unattainable. Now i see him Ya ilahi. I see his pure heart; i see his good intentions in almost everything he does. I see his faith in you that in so many ways is stronger than mine because of his dedication. But i also see a man that can be selfish, oblivious and lacks strength. I see his flaws and still choose him because of that heart that is in so many ways like mine. I have wanted him for 13 years Ya ilahi. Have i waited long enough? Please Ya ilahi allow us and guide us to build a happy life together inshallah (God willing).

Please Ya ilahi guide me to be strong in the days to come. Progress my affairs in the direction that will give me peace and happiness. Please Ya ilahi, you are the best of all planners and knows what is in the depths of my heart. I have heard elders say that when in prayer cry to your creator the way a child may cry to its mother. I pray to you now my lord. I seek protection from you Ya ilahi, bless me with happiness in my future. I just want to be happy.

‘O you who have believed, seek help through patience and prayer. Indeed, God is with the patient’

Call me to your love Ya ilahi. Strengthen my faith and help me submit to you. Free me of the burden to control what may be and help me see that only you know what is written in your decree. I love you Ya ilahi. Please forgive me for the mistakes i have made. I am a sinner but call to you now to bless me in what lays ahead in my life. Forgive me Ya ilahi, i was lost and impatient through so many of your tests for me. But do you see my heart Ya ilahi? Do you see my intentions in everything i do? Do you see that my thoughts are never far from the life you have willed for the believers?

I am weak mentally and fighting the anxiety and depression with everything left in me. I am trying to build myself back up again peace by peace after losing Gram and Uncle but my heart is full of fear of what comes next. I have so much anger towards what is going on around me. They have almost completely destroyed my memory of Gram; i can’t even look at a picture of her! What am i doing? Am i distancing myself because it’s too painful? Free my heart of these heavy emotions Ya ilahi. Make it easy for my parents especially to get through what is to come. Please move things in our favour, after everything my mum has done for this family, surely she deserves this much? I don’t have the strength for another test Ya ilahi. Please give me the time to heal and bring me under your wing of love. I know i do not deserve it but i put my faith in you Ya ilahi. You are all hearing, all seeing, all merciful.

My heart aches for a happy home of my own. I don’t expect perfection Ya ilahi and i am grateful for all that you have given me. My parents, a roof over my head and food in my belly but Ya ilahi you know my heart yearns for a child. I have been told that when a believer marries they fulfil half their duty of faith. That is all i want Ya ilahi; I want to fulfil half my faith and do it the right way respectfully. See into my heart that my intentions are good and pure. I want to have children and bring them up to be strong in faith and good in nature. I long to see them; The best pieces of myself in your beautiful creation. If i had kept that child they would be 12 years old by now, one of the biggest regrets of my existence. But Ya ilahi have i paid enough for my sins that you can give me this happiness? Forgive me Ya ilahi. I beg for your forgiveness. Ya ilahi maybe i haven’t repented enough. Guide me to prayer that will free me from all the pain in my heart.

Please hear my sincere prayers Ya ilahi.

Please bless my soul with inner peace and protect us from evil.

Ameen (Amen) x



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