Friday September 22nd

I have not been able to find a therapist. Unreal. I called 2 yesterday and one called me back and said she only works in the city on Sundays and Mondays, her Mondays are full and Sundays she only comes when she feels like it. Alrighty then. The other one called me back to say she doesn’t have availability to take new patients. No wonder there are so many crazy people here. You can’t get help even when you try. 

I paid the $215 for 2 weeks worth of medicine yesterday, so I am feeling a little better today. It’s terrible that stuff can make you so sick when you stop taking it. Whatever. I got the mail order through yesterday, so that will send me 90 days worth, which may last me until I no longer live here. Who the fuck knows. I am not leaving, though, unless I have a job there. I have to stay. I do not like my current job situation at all. That woman is driving me crazy. It is quite insulting to have her tell me how to manage student behavior when I have a fucking degree in sped, and I’ve been doing this for 21 years. She has no degree and has been  teaching for 5 minutes. I have to just tough it out. The next time someone asks me about here, I am going to tell them that I am afraid of her. She has sued everyone she’s ever known, so it’s only a matter of time before she comes up with a reason to sue me, too. She is scary crazy. They fucking know that. I cannot imagine that admin will be able to get rid of her without at least a couple of them being sued. I am being very nice to her and not arguing with her about anything. Fuck it. I don’t remember when my mind changed from thinking I would want to work at my school long term, to planning my escape. Now I want to leave there. 

Last night when I was walking on 58th Street, I was loving being in the City. I do love this City. I do feel like I belong to it. I just can’t get over missing my son and my dog so very much. If I had them both here, I would not likely want to go back there. 

Later, that same day…

I just applied for a science position at Winburn Middle. I feel unsure about going back. I don’t know what to do. I love New York. BUT, I worry about Noah and I hate being away from John and I worry about retirement and I worry about money, blah, blah, blah. If I live there, I’m back where I started. Alone with no hope of ever meeting anyone. If I move back there, I am deciding to be alone for good. Sometimes that seems okay with me, then sometimes not. I don’t know how to have a happy life there. I’m not real sure about here, either, but at least here I feel like I have a shot at a life. New York is the greatest city on Earth. I don’t know what to do.  I still wish that Brent and I could be back together and we could all be a family. That’s all I really want in the world. I don’t know what the fuck to do. When I start actually thinking about actually taking the steps to move back, it makes me sick. But being so far away from Noah and John is terrible, too. I just need someone to tell me what to do. 

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