As recently as Tuesday morning, I packed my overnight bag after having spent the night in my home, having slept with my lovely wife, because I thought I was not going to be back for a few days, that the reconciliation wasn’t going so well. Anxiety shook me again making me catch my breath. I took half an anxiety pill and felt that familiar pain, one of sadness coupled with uncertainty.
Two days later, my wife handed me a key to our house. She had changed the locks a couple months ago and I’d not pressed to have access. I respected her boundaries. We now are blissfully in love and I have moved home. 75 days after being kicked out because of my addiction and acting out, after weeks of hatred and rage, harsh words and loathing…. I am now home, with my wife.
I’m sure it’s more complex that the above but it happened that quickly. Honestly it’s a bit of a blur. But the profound changes that have taken place in me are so evident. People at work note it, my therapist said I’ve come a long way and that he sees that I am no longer looking for my reflection in other’s faces. My wife feels and sees a peaceful man where an intense one used to be. I fell asleep on the sofa last night with my head in her lap, her caressing my hair and arm, with the TV on. That would never have happened with the old me. To sleep, it had to be perfectly dark, no sound, cool temperature and all touching had to have ceased. It’s a miraculous new me.
Recovery: I’m meeting with my sponsor tomorrow for a long one to go over my 4th step. I still speak with him daily, another couple of people in the program too, email my therapist daily, pray, meditate, journal and anything and everything else I can to continue to work my program. My wife owns the parental blocking software on my phone and computers, and I have never been so happy in my life.
I have come out the other side. (Grin!)