It’s been a hard week.
Work has been extra stressful due to some major changes that are beyond my control, including separating me and my partner and putting me in a position of leadership. I’m not sure why I’m so cryptic here. I’m a preschool teacher, they’re moving my co-teacher to a new class and raising me from assist to lead in my class and I’m incredibly nervous about it.
Today we were listening to music with the kids, we’ve been listening to the Glee soundtracks a lot lately, and The Scientists by Coldplay came on. I’ve always loved that song but now it kills me to hear it. You know how girls plan their future weddings, I wanted that to be my father/daughter dance, but my dad died suddenly in 2012.
It was at the back back of my mind all day, like he always is anyway, but on the way home i just started thinking about him more and more. And then I lost it.
Since I’ve been taking Lexipro for the last two years, it was really helped me put a curtain over the gapping hole in my chest that has been there since he died, but now that I’ve stopped taking it that curtain is starting to fall and the blackness is trying to crawl out again. I haven’t had a good, hard, sob in over two years. I’m so afraid to cry like that because I’m afraid that if I start I might never stop.
I don’t to take medicine again, it stopped me from feeling so many other things too. But I can’t let that curtain fall again because that black hole will swallow me up.
I think im going to look into therapy. I need someone to talk to. I feel like im burdening my friends with this side of me, and they don’t understand anyway because they have never felt loss like this, and im so glad for them that they haven’t I can’t show them this darkness. I can’t talk to my family about it, not that we don’t talk about my dad because we do. But I can’t talk to my brother or my mom about this hole, it will hurt them and it will wake up their black holes. I can’t see my mother cry again. I never want to see her cry again, it will break me.
Even now i have tears rolling down my cheeks as I type and I feel that hole tugging and tugging trying to come out.
Its hungry and its so so very hard to fight.