yes, i am aware.

Today was a good day. However, I just had a bad conversation.

I had class, and I had fun in school with my friends. The one thing that bothers me is my computer program, which I haven’t finished, because I messed up.

I have two tests tomorrow. Oh, and two quizzes (both for the same class). I hope I get good scores.

I’m worried about my Gov grade. It’s in the 80’s. Worrying.

We had to video call my dad. He got very angry at me for no reason. He turned very confrontational within a minute of my walking into the webcam’s field of vision. He kept saying, “Listen to me!” Even though I already was. It took a great deal of self-restraint to not start shouting at him, or crying. That would have made the situation chaotic, so I refrained. He told me first what he wanted me to do, which is ask if my SAT score (the better one, the first one) were good enough to confirm my PSAT score. He told me to sign up for a certain person’s forum. He told me to talk to my counselor. He told me to look at OU’s and A&M’s application requirements. He asked me why I had done so much worse on the SAT. He told me that I had to reflect on what I had done wrong. He asked if I had any excuses for my bad second SAT score. All the while, he was very upset about something, but I don’t know what. He was still angry. I felt like crying, but I did not do that, as I did not want to waste time and energy on confrontation. I cannot remember how many times I said variants of “Okay”, “I will”, “I know”, “Yes”, and “I am aware”.

He then started ranting very angrily. He started emotionally telling me that I should learn how to control my emotions. He also told me that I should not see my older siblings as an example. He told me that he did not even know if they were his children anymore. He said that he was no longer enthusiastic about the idea of helping them. He kept telling me to reflect on what I had done wrong. He started crying, and it was very awkward. He asked me, or an invisible something, or no one, that he did not know where he had gone wrong in parenting. He asked the same no one why we treated him like an enemy. I could only say that I could not answer these questions. And I really cannot. It is a strange thing that I am an individual and I cannot possibly answer questions that are directed toward two other people that are not even in the vicinity.

I could have cried, but I remained calm until he let me go.

He continued his conversation with my mom. He asked her what I had done wrong to get a lower SAT score the second time around. She told him that I had gotten higher scores on my practice SAT’s, which is true, but he laughed at that idea. I feel like that was insinuating that I had somehow been lying. I had gone to my room already, but I felt another bolt of outrage. I almost stood up and went back to the living room, just to be confrontational. But I wouldn’t have been calm at that point, so I stopped myself and sat down on my bed and took deep breaths and told myself I’d be okay instead.

It turns out I am better at being calm than my dad.

And, by the way, my SAT score is probably enough to confirm my PSAT score. I checked it on my own just now, and the SSI for my higher score is 222; the SSI for the lower score is 217. Both are higher than the SSI from last year, which was 209, and which is not likely to be drastically increased this year. While my scores were in no way outstanding, they were also not as gross as my dad would think they are. I did cry over both of them, but still, they’re not that disgusting. I can’t possibly be as disgusting as I think I am if I have friends and teachers who support me–can I? And I have reflected. I have no excuses. I have realized that my laziness and negligence resulted in my second, disappointing SAT score. Yes, dad, I know that I have to learn to control my emotions. I know you’re disappointed in me. I’m disappointed in me, too. That’s not new. I’m always disappointed in myself. I think you made me this way.

Mom asked me the other day why I am always so negative, and why I am always comparing myself to my older siblings. Well, I hope dad answered that question for her. It is convenient to compare me to them, because they came first, and were outstanding in so many of the right ways, but were disappointing to him in a host of other ways. It is easy to compare and contrast me with them, because they were both so much better, but at the same time, he feels like they have wronged him.

I’m not good enough. He kept telling me not to apply to prestigious schools because it wasn’t worth getting rejected and becoming another 90% that did not get accepted. Yes, I know I’m not good enough to get accepted by any prestigious schools.

Yes, dad, I am aware. I think I might even be more aware of myself and my situation than you are.

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