whirl wind

I dont even know where to start. My head hurts from trying to process everything and pretty must justify what ive done. I moved my children away and yet here i am money in the bank! I could of kep my kids. i could of avoided all this and the emotionas i feel are almost to much to where ive thought about cutting saying fuck it all and drink my self stupid but i dont but i want too! damnit I want to so much. I dont want to feel this and i dont know how to cope. part of me wants to ignore my feelings and hide behind the drugs and alcohol the other part of me knows that i need to keep my head straight and do what i need and know i need to do and thats start school get my degree and take care of my kids. ive lost all motivation in life im not there with my kids im not taking my son to all his doctor appointments im not giggling with my daughter about how gross boys are or what the latest shopkins are im not waking them up in the morning with i love yous and kisses or contemplating ripping my hair out because one of them is arguing with me about what outfit to wear or taking their sweet sweet time to get ready NO im here 2300 miles away in a empty home with only pictures and my animals to keep me occupied. 

Ive been judged by my decision and i can see why i cant say i wouldnt be judgmental either and honestly at the end of the day I dont care how people perceive me i care how to perceive my children. Even though I know that i owe NO ONE ANY JUSTIFICATION maybe i do it for myself to in a way tell me self that what i did was right even though at the end of the day i dont feel like i did. 

I moved to Texas in july to further my career LPN to RN bridge. i never expected finding day care ad resources and support would be so damn difficult. I got to the point i couldnt work because of hours and day care. The fork that i came too was this Left be homeless with 2 kids and dogs or Right move my kids back home with their families adn i come back here go to school work and move home. I guess if i were in a different position all i would want to do is rremind those babies that thier mama loves them and this sis only short term but people are saying you poor baby it must be hard being away from your mama like this. I cant believe your back so quick. Maaking my kids feel upset and sad and some what resentful towards me 


So now heres a whole difeerent roller coaster of emotion.  

God im a mental mess……. I dont know if i can handle this, let alone process this.

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