I guess I love New York- everything about it except my job. I don’t love my job. I’m not happy with it. The kids are too much. The crazy woman I work with is too much. I am friends with all these women that have re-invented themselves- some multiple times, and I see myself as chained to this profession. Maybe I should look into doing something else? Meanwhile, I am suffocating in guilt from leaving Noah and John. I feel like the worst person in the world for that. Noah’s idea for me moving back there includes me buying a duplex and him living in one side of it. I haven’t even been thinking about buying a duplex. I have been looking at houses. I have been thinking about going back to school to get my principal certification if I move back there. I would make more money and I would n’t have the day to day pressures of teaching. If it weren’t for Noah, I would never go back to Kentucky. I would get John and bring him here and never go back there again. I honestly think I could go the rest of my life without ever hearing from my siblings again. They don’t even remember I exist. Last night, when I was talking to Noah on Skype, Brent texted him and asked him to come to the tailgate and pick some people up. It was a stab in my heart. If I am there, all of it will hurt me more. Here, at least, I have little awareness that it’s even football season. I am such a goddam mess.
Later, that same day…
So this morning, I got up to go refill my coffee, and I had a seizure- I fell and hit my head hard. My head and shoulder are still killing me. I went to the ER and had a CT scan and it was okay. At least I know I don’t have a brain tumor.
I am getting really depressed again. I don’t know why this is happening. The changing seasons? I am crying a lot again. I kind of hate my job right now. That woman has created a google classroom for my classes and posted shit and shared it with the kids without even asking me anything about it first. What the total fuck? I had to take a xanax to calm my shit down enough to even be semi normal.
I think I hate myself over and over all day every day. I haven’t been able to find a therapist to help me, AND, during the school week, I wouldn’t have time to go to one even if I did find one. This job is too much. I don’t know how to get it under control.