Things are going well. No major complaints and I have no interest in acting out in my addiction. Ergo: no triggers that make me want to turn to electronic messaging etc. Still, I remain concerned that I might need to seek another sponsor. The one I chose has helped me through steps 1-3. I’ve been asking him to go over my step 4 for a couple of weeks. He bestowed upon me some great news late last week, that he would actually be here in town over the weekend and thus we could have a face to face. Excellent news.
So another brother in recovery hence selected my sponsor as his. We both figured out that we now have the same sponsor, and it was I who informed the other brother that our sponsor would be here over the weekend.
Fast-forward….. sponsor carved out time and met with other brother. He promised for Saturday, then Sunday morning before he departed again. It never happened. I asked him about several windows of opportunity (like meeting the cable company tech), and he responded positively. In the end, he and his family departed without meeting with me at all. He in fact, did not return my call probably because of that.
I don’t understand. I was technically first to ask him to sponsor me, and I was first to get word he would be here and would schedule a meeting with me, yet I was so far in the back of the line that it simply never happened. Yes; I did ask him what, if anything, I am doing wrong in my program. He insists that I’m doing very well. This has been the story of my life. Last to be chosen for the sports team in P.E., last person a young girl would select for homecoming or prom. If I’m first in line for something, they start at the rear instead. It’s classic rejection, but in one of the worst possible ways. I’m rejected by one of the most important persons in my support system.
To clarify, I really am doing fine. I’ve got a very strong system in place and am fortunate that I’ve no interest in acting out again and hope and pray that I never will. Still…. I need to work through the steps and then again and again forever, but I need to get through them once so that I can go out and be of service to other addicts. I’m not sure where to turn except to state that I’ve got my therapist whom I see this afternoon and once a week, and with whom I email every single day. I have the love and support of my wife and family, I speak with another brother in recovery every day, sort of co-sponsoring each other, and I’ve got parental controls on my electronics. I journal daily, pray daily, listen to recovery podcasts on my phone at daily workouts, so I’m doing well and it is true that I have a good strong program in place.
I guess all I can do is keep up the good work. I need a sponsor though who cares enough, is empathetic enough, to at least keep his word.