Don’t know what to call this, just felt like writing

Every single gesture
Spirals out of control
A single missbehaviour
I’m convinced your love is gone
I want you to hate me
Deep inside that’s how I feel
I know I’m not worthy
I don’t see what’s the appeal
All I do is waste your time

But even as I say so
If I felt it really happened
That your love is there no more
I wouldn’t be happy
I’d feel sadder than ever before
Every living moment
A dying agony
Fill myself with poison
Lust, wrath, sloth, gluttony
Longing for that moment
When it throws me overboard

How can my mind be so cruel?
Tells me that I’m garbage
That I should just end it all
But then comes the repulsion
Berates me for just thinking so
Stuck in this duality
Shit I can’t even control
I just wish I could feel alive
And not envy those who die

I don’t want to be like this
Every time I come to you
Telling you I’m happy
Saying everything is cool
putting up a fake smile
Trying to ignore the truth
Working hard to hide inside
Trying not to fuck things up
Lose myself inside my mind
With no means of going back

After many years gone by
There’s not much that I can do
All that’s left of what I was
Is my name and nothing more

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