stuck in a box, to scared to leave

I  have been in the same relationship with the same man for going on 9 years, two is them we have been married. We share a toddler together. I’ve never been all the way with anyone else, and I’m scared to think I never can be even when I know it’d be better if I did… My husband is an asshole. He talks to me like I’m a piece of shit. Then he will be very nice. I think he suffers from some sort of bipolar disorder and narcissism. He will blow up on me for a very small issue, make me feel ashamed and verbally scream at me, then disappear in the garage and come out happy like he didn’t just smash my feelings all over the floor. It’s confusing. He will completely lose his mind in anger, disappear outside or in the garage for a few moments then return like it never happened. Sometimes I’m so mad at this that I confront him when he gets out of the garage and he will act like I am randomly verbally attacking him for no reason and I’m a villain and bluntly deny he ever was yelling or said awful things to me. He’s been doing this for years. It’s isolated me completely. He will pick fights with my family, and then deny he ever did anything and then they won’t want anything to do with me, or rarely talk to me. I have no friends, I used to have a lot. I don’t work I am a stay at home mom to our toddler and when we do visit other people it’s his family or on rare occasions my brother. My only human interaction is my toddler and my husband. I don’t feel like I can really talk to my husband because he never admits to ever being wrong and twists it around to being my fault. Like yelling at me for taking shampoo into the kids bathroom to wash my sons hair and then not returning it to our bathroom and freaking out on me for an hour for being negligent. Then he will do the same thing and claim he forgot and that I need to not sweat the small stuff. But if I say he cursed me out for the same issue he will get horribly angry and belligerent. Then disappear in the garage and be fine. I’m so confused. I want my son to have two parents, and I’ve been out of the work force for almost three years. My husband doesn’t physically abuse me, but mentally I feel like I’m bleeding to death. I get so depressed. He wakes up very late everyday, will say something to ruin my day and I just try to cope all day. His favorite thing is to pick a fight with me the day before payday, so he will treat me like shit, cuss me out and if I back talk at all he will say he will withhold the money until I apologize to him for talking back. This isn’t fun spending money. I haven’t gotten a hair cut in three years, I haven’t had new clothes longer than that. It’s food money, bill money. I ask how he could withhold money from his son and he says he’ll just take him and I can have fun figuring it out on my own. Once I apologize and make nice to keep Our family together he will get mad that I don’t want to have sex with him. When he’s been such a complete ass I cringe at having sex with him. But I do it anyway. For my son to have a dad and have his mom at home. I just feel selfish because I fantasize about leaving him, about if I don’t hear my cell phone ringing I won’t get yelled at, and going on a car ride without telling him where I’m going. About my son not hearing his dad call me ugly names because one small thing set him off. I’m really scared. Because I really want to leave, but I don’t want to lose everything and all that I’ve known for 9 years. 

3 thoughts on “stuck in a box, to scared to leave”

  1. Sense of security for my son. Family life of him having two parents in the same house. The times between my husband and I aren’t always bad, sometimes the man I fell in love with comes out and we laugh and have fun. But his dark times maybe makes the good times seem brighter than they are.. My 20 yr old cat with a medical condition takes expensive medication and care that I wouldn’t be able to afford on my own for awhile. I feel like it wouldn’t be me that would lose a lot but my son and my pets. They would be ripped away from a life and care their used to. And my unhappiness doesn’t seem like a big enough reason to stop them from receiving the security and care they deserve. It sounds pretty selfish saying it now. I suppose it is.

  2. No, it’s not selfish. It’s self-preservation. Please love yourself more than to think that this type of treatment is all you deserve. Your son is already being affected by all of this, whether you see it or not. There is nothing magical about having two parents in the house when his reality is going to consist of him watching his father mistreat his mother. I lived this way for many years, and I finally freed myself. I sometimes still get angry at myself for the time I wasted, years I’ll never get back, allowing myself to be emotionally abused. Make a plan. Find a way to make a little money and stash it away over the upcoming months. Be smart and resourceful. You can do it. <3

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