Tuesday September 26th

I am at school, a nervous wreck. I emailed all those principals and not one of them responded to me.Not even to say the job is filled. I don’t understand. I talked to Brent on the phone about Noah last night. It wasn’t helpful. I have bugs all over my apartment. It is disgusting. It’s from the holes in the wall. I am a mess. I am all over the place. I have never been able to get over Brent rejecting me. I hate myself so much every single day for fucking up my life. I cannot fix it now. It’s too big a mess. I am so unhappy. I have been so unhappy for so long, I don’t even remember anything else. 

Later, that same day…

I am not having a good day. I am sad and frustrated. I don’t know what to do about Noah. I don’t know how to help Noah. I am surprised that not a single principal from FC has responded to my emails. You would think at least one would write back to say thanks, but we’ve already hired someone. WTF, man. There is a job posted at Josh’s school in Clark County. 1. I don’t really want to work in Clark County, 2. I don’t really want to work for Josh. I wish I hated it here so it would be a no brainer to move back. I don’t hate it here. I love the city. I don’t love my job or my apartment, but I do love the city. Not loving my job makes it easier to think about moving back. I guess I will get back on track with moving my stuff home. I didn’t take anything home yesterday.

I know I watch too much TV and I know that’s super low brow, but I need it on to help with the loneliness. It’s just noise to keep me from being so aware of the aloneness of my life. There may be some FCPS jobs posted at Christmas time for 2nd semester. I have burned so many bridges, It ‘s not too hopeful for me, though. I am such a fuck up.  


I emailed Mounts about the job that’s posted at his school. I don’t know what the fuck to do. THis woman that I have to work with is driving me crazy. She is zero help and just causes problems. That class with all the wild kids is better now that she’s not in it. She does shit that just gets them stirred up. I don’t know how I will last until June with her. She gets on my last fucking nerve. She has created this whole google classroom and given the kids assignments and told them that if they don’t complete them, they will fail. what the total fuck? She is a fucking sped teacher and is supposed to be fucking reading to the kids that cant fucking read, not assigning lessons to my whole class. She doesn’t understand her place. I really hate her. I can blame it on her if I get a job and go home. She is such a fucking pain in my ass. I am just going to not say anything and let her do what the fuck ever. I am not going to fight with a crazy person. 

Why do I still hold out hope that Brent is going to change his mind and take me back? Why? I really do do that. I guess because there is no reason for him not to take me back. I have always been dumped by everyone. And, I would take any of them back that would have me. That’s what is so pathetic. Any one of them, I would take back without a thought. What is wrong with me? 

One thought on “Tuesday September 26th”

  1. I found Goodnight Journal today and was considering signing up when I saw this post highlighted on the homepage. After I read it, I went back and read all of your posts, and with each one, I became more astonished. It’s like you and I are living parallel lives in NY and Atlanta. Seriously. Your “bio” could be my bio! (Except that I’m 48.) I’m a teacher. I’m the adult child of an alcoholic. I have been medicated for clinical depression for 20 years. I’m a single mom (my children are over 18). I often debate moving back to my small hometown and “pretending to drink the koolaid” just to make an damn decision about my life. I’ve been wrestling the same demons for years and can’t seem to pull myself out of it. I’m trying to find a good therapist. I’m considering beginning yoga. SO MUCH of what you’ve written sounds like words I could have written… having those moments of positivity and renewed enthusiasm and then feeling pulled right back down into the mire of uncertainty and ‘how the hell did I get here.’ So… I joined Goodnight Journal just because of you. I thought you might like to know. ~B

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