I reached my sponsor last night, which is imperative. Our conversations are not long, but I need to reach him or try to reach him, daily.
My love life is strong, perhaps stronger than it’s ever been. Still there is one area which we cannot seem to even approach. We have yet to be unclothed in front of each other, since I hit bottom. This concerns me, because as my therapist pointed out, the inability to speak together about our love life and in particular our sex life, is at least part of why I acted out. I brought it up yesterday and suggested that we try, she was not interested, or was not ready. She said that the compulsive piece of my acting out was a huge part of our sex life. It actually was never part of that. The two had nothing to do with each other at all. But that’s how she saw it, that touching meant that I expected something to follow. Should loving touching lead to something more in a healthy relationship? Yes, but never every time. So we have much ground to cover. When after playing a team sport together with friends, I suggested we get in the spa but without suits, she balked and again said she was not ready for that.
I’m accepting this impasse for now, taking one day at a time as we vowed, and not rushing her. For now, touching is just tender and loving and yes, passionate but not sexual. I’m not sure but I think she might believe that when we touch, that I have no physical reaction. That simply is not so, I will always have “that” reaction. I cannot control that, but it does not have to lead automatically to more. So do I hide that from her? Do we discuss it and all of this? Do we continue to only see each other clothed?
This feels like it could be a slippery slope and one I need to really watch. We cannot slip back into a system where we should have a real relationship. We cannot be happily married and indefinitely not have some sex life.
One day at a time…..